Another Update

Things are finally starting to get back to "normal" around here. Last week on Thursday we made an unexpected road trip down to Georgia because my husband's Grandpa got very sick. He actually passed away when we were about half way there. It was sad that we didn't get to see him one last time before he passed away, but good to be with the family. Henry cheered everyone up a little. He is the only great-grandchild, and it was nice I think to have a baby around.

Instead of a funeral we basically just had a big party with the family and afterward just sat around telling stories about Grandpa Byrd. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to take time away from his kids and grandkids, but I was thinking about the first time I met him. I came into his house and he was sitting at the kitchen table fiddling with tools and parts of what looked like a small engine. I sat down and asked him what he was doing, and he said that the mechanism that rolled up the car window was broken, and he was replacing it ... with the motor from a blender he found on the side of the road. Most of the stories were like that, about how he tried to fix everything himself, about how he invented and crafted and rigged.

It made me smile to think about how Henry is the same way, even at his age. When he comes across a toy it's always flipped over immediately and he is touching the screws, the places where it's joined together, trying to figure out how it works, and how to take it all apart. It looks like Henry inherited some of Grandpa Byrd's ingenuity.

In terms of my health issues, I talked to the Dr. as we were driving down to GA on Thurs. night. He had given me progesterone to stop my bleeding and it had worked for about a week before it started again. I went back up to two pills a day but it didn't help. He said that the next step would be to do a D & C, which scared me. I asked my father in law about it (also an OB) and he agreed that that would be the only thing to do if the pills don't work.

I will probably have it done this coming Friday, if they can fit me in. At this point my nervousness is superseded by my need to just be done with this. I feel so crappy right now and I feel like I spend all day drinking water and taking pills just to manage. I asked the Dr. what the causes could be and he basically listed everything from polyps to cancer, so I don't even know how worried I should be at this point, I'm kind of just trying not to think about it. All this has made me realize how much having a big family meant to me, and facing the possibility of that not happening is just too much for me to process, so I think I'm just pushing it aside for now until I know more.

On the brighter side, my mom-in-law is visiting this weekend with her fiance, and Greg and I hit up some of the garage sales in OG today. Flea market day is always great for garage sales, and we found some games for Henry that I had been considering buying new. Also Greg bought a pair of roller blades for 5 bucks that actually fit him! So much for looking professional around town! We've also made some headway with our business plans for next year, and some of the obstacles we were worried about have been removed! So all in all, life is good!

Blood Test Update

Just wanted to say that I think it's good news, though I still don't know much. The first blood test revealed slight anemia, and high prolactin, a hormone that would be high if I were pregnant, breastfeeding, or had a thyroid or kidney problem. Since I am not pregnant or breastfeeding, this was troubling to the Dr. and he had me repeat the test. The second time my prolactin was in the normal range. The first level was probably off due to stress at the time they took the blood, (probably because Henry was throwing a fit on the floor of the room where they were drawing my blood, he was not happy about a strange lady poking mommy with needles :). I was still iron deficient, so I am trying to remember to take my iron pill. He also gave me a hormone pill to stop my bleeding, when has been working great. I'm supposed to take it for three weeks and then hopefully when I stop I will be back to normal. That's the hope anyway. If I get a normal period he will order another blood test to check the hormone levels again. I'm sort of glad that there is so much going on right now, I don't really have time to worry about making babies!

An empty place...

When are you going to have another one?

I get asked this quite a bit and I guess it makes sense. Henry is almost 18 months, a lot of people like to space their kids about two years apart. I'm home right now anyway, and it would make sense to get through the worst of the pregnancy blahs before I start working more hours.

So what do I say in response? I usually laugh and say something like, "Oh, one is more than I can handle right now." Or if it's someone close who wants to know I just say maybe. Or it's up to God.

The truth is . . . I'm not sure it's going to happen. I'm waiting on blood tests from my OB to find out why it's been 16 months of no birth control, no nursing, and no babies. Why I go for three months with nothing, and then get hit with 6 weeks of bleeding.

This never happened to me before. I was always right on schedule, almost to the hour. To get pregnant with Henry it only took one time. One time. Like I didn't even have to guess when calculating the due date. Right now I just physically feel like crap and I really have no idea why. I don't even want to think about what I might read in the parade of horribles if I try googling it.

And I don't really want to complain about it to anyone, because, well, I have a baby. And a baby that I got without really trying. I almost feel like being sad about my fertility troubles is just such an ungrateful attitude to have.

I have one beautiful son who fills every day of my life with ever increasing joy and wonder. So why do I feel like something's missing? I'm not desperate, I'm not up crying about it. I don't think that my life will never be complete without another child or anything like that. But when I see big families, when I see siblings together, even when I'm with my own sister, I just feel a little pull.

As busy as I am, as much as I sometimes get tired taking care of just one, as tiny as my house is, and as full as my heart is with love for my family, when I look at my life I can't help feeling like there is an empty space. Like there is room for one more...

Writing Update

When I last mentioned writing on here, I was deeply entrenched in writing a novel. Well, the novel is sadly progressing very slowly. It seems like I can only make progress when I have several hours of un-interupted time, which, if you are also a mom, you realize is just laughable.

It was so demoralizing to get out a paragraph a day and never see an end in sight, that I started to write short stories just to feel the satisfaction of having finished something, even if that something was only a rough draft. It was also a way to get down ideas that didn't really fit into the storyline of my novel, and a way to let my brain just explore those ideas without committing a great deal of time. Sometimes it just seemed easier for me to wrap my scattered mind around the plot of a 5,000 word story than to plod through another chapter of the novel.

Well, 5 months later, I think I may be a short story writer. I never thought I could do this, because to me the short story is the hardest form of fiction. It's also my favorite type of fiction to read and I admire most writers who can do it well. Besides feeling woefully inadequate, I also assumed I could never write a good short story because my natural writing style is just so slow-paced. (For example, look at the average length of my blog posts.)

But after reading a ton of stories by other writers and fiddling around with some of my ideas, I'm starting to consider actually submitting one to a magazine. On one hand, it has to be done at some point, on the other, I'm absolutely sure that I'll be rejected, and once that happens I won't want to do it again. So I'm thinking I'll take one story that I'm not completely emotionally invested in and submit it to the best publication I can. Then when it's rejected I'll keep on going down the list until I find someone to publish it. If I make the list before going through the rejection process maybe it won't be so bad?

My stuff tends toward the fantasy/magical realism/speculative fiction genres, though not always. I would say I like sci-fi too, except that I really know relatively little about science and so whenever there is a sci-fi element in my stories it's usually just in the background. I also have an affinity for characters who are mothers, which makes me feel just a little unimaginative. That said, there are several magazines I read that publish fiction similar to what I write, it's just a matter of rating them at this point. This is going to be a long process, because you often don't find out if your work has been accepted or rejected for several months, so I guess I'd better get going!

Why Does My Baby Need His Own Blog?

I got some books on homeschooling from my local library and have been devouring them like cans of diet coke. I know it's early to be thinking about Henry going to school, but when you think about it, we are sort of home schooling right now anyway. With babies, almost everything they do is about learning. When Henry plays with toys, or the vacuum cleaner, or a Brita filter he finds under the sink (for a whole week), it's really all just education for him.

So in most of the homeschooling books they talk about how to document your learning, and many kids who are homeschooled create journals or "lapbooks" about the different subjects they study. This way they have a record of their achievements and can look back at them later for reference. Well I started thinking. How can I keep a record of Henry's educational development for reference and for my own sentimental reasons without creating more clutter? A Henry blog, of course. This way I can keep track of all the things that only a mother really cares about and still keep my personal blog for reflecting on other areas of my life.

So here it is, Henry's Learning Blog.

I hope to use it now to keep track of milestones, and later to plan out how to educate him more formally, then someday as a place for Henry to add his own acquired knowledge.

What am I?

In New Jersey, I am a conservative.

In Tennessee, I am a liberal.

Amongst the Yuppies, I am homegrown.

Amongst the hicks, I am sophisticated.

Amongst the poor, I am classy.

Amongst the rich, I am authentic and self-made.

Amongst the intellectual elite, I am down to earth.

Amongst the uneducated, I am informed.

Amongst the helicopter parents, I embrace my son's autonomy.

Amongst the permissive parents, I am over-protective.

In most churches, I challenge the prescribed gender stereotypes.

In my feminist political theory class, I spoke up about the value of traditional gender roles.

Amongst the lawyers, I am a family-woman.

Amongst the moms, I am a working woman.

I don't fit in, I don't conform, and...

I am always one of a kind.

QUARANTINED

Before I had Henry, I was rarely sick. Even when he was tiny we managed to stay healthy for about the first eight months. I never understood those parents who were obsessed with germs, lathering everyone in anti-bacterial hand sanitizer, backing away from you if you said you had a little cold. Germs are good for you, right? They make your immune system strong. Too clean of an environment and people's immune systems get wacky.

Well, consider me humbled. Henry and I and occasionally Greg have been continually sick since sometime in November. And I mean continually, like two days of feeling ok in between 3 week stints of yucky-ness. I mentioned before how our holidays were punctuated by illness, but since then it's just gotten worse. We go to the pediatrician every other week. I'm thinking of switching doctors just so they don't think that I'm letting Henry lick petri dishes full of bacteria or something. And it's not just one thing that we can't kick. Sometimes it's stomach flus, ear infections, bad colds, one after another.

I felt so persistently crappy that even I finally went to the doctor, which I pretty much only do if I think I might be dying. One gave me anti-biotics that were too weak, and within a day I woke up with pink eye, a rash, and a UTI, and started spiking a fever with chills. I went to a second doctor who told me to take Cipro, which helped with everything except the original sinus infection. I'm considering going to an allergist, although I don't know what I could possibly be allergic to, since it feels like we never leave the house.

I feel like I've tried everything I can think of to stay healthy. I've cleaned my house from top to bottom, disinfecting Henry's toys, washing all the bedding, I even bought new pillows. We wash our hands like crazy and we stopped sharing spoons (wouldn't have done it in the first place but it's a way to get him to eat new foods). We take vitamins. I usually cut back on the fresh produce during the winter to save some money but I've been splurging for fresh fruits and veggies every day to try and give our bodies a boost.

I'm hoping that it will warm up soon and stop raining so we can get out and play :) Also we haven't been to our church in months, because the nursery is very crowded and we didn't want to give and receive the germs until we could go a week without getting sick. (We've visited my parents' and sister's churches because they don't have any other babies in the nursery), but I really miss the friends we were making there. I feel like our lives are sort of on hold because of this. Luckily a few good friends have come to visit us at home so that we can have some semblance of a social life despite Henry's wheezing and my ever-present box of tissues. All that's missing is some plastic sheeting.