What's on the Agenda

Selling our car and possibly buying a van,

Moving Greg into his new office and getting him ready to start his own practice,

Figuring out how to make it through those first few months with no money,

Getting Henry to go to sleep in his new bed without having to drive him around for an hour,

Supporting my sister and parents as they take out a mortgage and completely overhaul my childhood home, with the hope that we will be able to move in once the renovations are done,

Preparing to do Tot School with Henry this year,

Going to training classes to become a certified resource family (foster parents),

Trying to continue to eat healthy and steadily lose weight,

Preparing for Greg's Mom's wedding in September,

Trying to fit in room for my spiritual life in the midst of utter chaos and constant change.

Writing is not even on this list because there is just no way. Sigh.

Five Week Weigh-In

(I know I just did the four week, but it was a little late, today is actually five weeks.)

I am down 10 lbs. even. Today I am seeing it just a little, mostly in my face and around my ribcage. I was planning on giving myself a little reward for this, but money is kind of tight right now and I'm still feeling pretty motivated, so I guess when I hit 15 lbs. I'll go get a pedicure.

I cheated too much last week, went out to eat too often, and had too much dessert. Did you know one serving of salad at Olive Garden contains 26 grams of fat? Salad! Eating out is so not worth it. I'd love to recount all the other ways I messed up this week, but I have to go take Henry to the doctor :(

Four Week Weigh-In

After four weeks of dieting, I am down 9 lbs. Not the extreme drop that I would have had on a crash diet, but definitely an improvement. I'm still wearing the same clothes and haven't really noticed a difference in the way I look, but I do feel more energized and when I cheat and eat take-out occasionally it just makes me sick. I haven't had red meat (except for one hot dog at a party right after my facial surgery). I've had very few potatoes or refined carbs at all. I am still working on eating more vegetables and drinking enough water. I still get my caffeine fix with diet coke, but drink a little bit less when I am pushing water. So... so far so good.

Weight Loss Plan

I've never been skinny, except maybe for about five minutes in kindergarten or something. And I've pretty much always felt overweight, even when I was around the normal weight range for my height. I've done weight watchers in the past, the first time I was probably like 16. I've been thinner and heavier in cycles depending on the outside circumstances. It's just been something that I feel like I either have no control over or I just don't care enough about to change. The funny thing is, when I was pregnant I had no problem whatsoever eating healthy food, giving up the junk that I normally feel I can't live without. I could do it when there was a purpose, when it wasn't just about looking a certain way. I actually lost weight when I was pregnant.

Law school, not so much. Hours of studying on the couch and subsisting on take-out led to massive weight gain. A couple of weeks ago I found a picture of myself in Bolivia, it was from four years ago, just a month or two before Greg and I got engaged. I weighed about 60 lbs less than I do today. At the time I felt so fat. But now looking back I wish I could just be that weight again.

After I took the bar last summer, weight started to fly off. I guess just not being stressed helped me shed pounds without really trying. This spring I hit a plateau. I kept thinking the law school weight would just keep coming off since I wasn't there anymore, but the number on the scale was not going down anymore. I hemmed and hawed. I didn't want to spend money that I don't have on weight watchers or a gym membership. I don't want to go on a diet for a while just to gain all the weight back when I stop.

So I started researching to find a diet/nutrition plan that I could do for the rest of my life. I found this little 8 week diet plan on a website that sells workout dvds. The high protein, fewer carbs thing hadn't worked for me when I tried to crash diet before my wedding, but I decided to give it a try now that my life is not as stressful. I found that the diet really "worked". That is, I'm not hungry, I don't feel resentful and deprived, I'm getting good nutrition, and I lost 4 pounds in the first two weeks without even doing the workouts.

My initial plan was to do the workouts too, but with some of the health issues I've been having lately I'm not supposed to raise my blood pressure. I also didn't always eat as many veggies as you are supposed to and generally cheat on the weekend. Even when I cheat and have dessert though, I keep track of all the calories on fitday. The reason I'm trying to stay flexible with it is because I don't want to keep the diet perfectly for a while and then decide it's too hard. I want to genuinely change the way I'm eating so I can maintain a healthy weight forever.

So what do you think? Anyone want to join me?

No News Is...

So I did have the procedure done on Friday. I was totally fine when the pregnancy test was negative, it was what I was expecting. I did almost pass out when they were putting in the IV. I'm usually fine with anything medical, but the nurse was talking about my veins and blood. A lot. As she was poking around inside my wrist. I don't get upset when something hurts, but sometimes thinking about it too much makes me a little queasy. The first IV didn't work and the nurse must have seen my face because she got someone else to do the second one.

I went in to the surgery room, blind because I had to take my contacts out, laid down, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery. There was a young girl in the little curtained cubicle next to me, and she was crying. I don't know why she was there but I heard the nurses say her name. I told her it would be ok, that they would bring her mom back soon, and prayed for her. Lying there praying I wondered if this whole mess wasn't just an incredibly complicated way to get me next to her.

Eventually they let Greg in and he told me that they had found nothing.

No polyps, no fibroids, nothing strange at all.

They took a tissue sample to test and that was that. The doctor was already gone so I didn't get a chance to ask what the next step will be. I'm not even sure what they are testing for with the tissue sample. Hopefully I'll get some more answers when I talk to the Dr. on Thursday.

I'm nervous because I'm not sure how good my insurance will be come September, so I want to try and get everything figured out before then. On one hand, it's great that they didn't find anything that could mean life-long issues for me. On the other hand, now we have no idea what is causing these problems.

He Knows What He's Doing

My surgery was supposed to happen last Friday, but has now been postponed until July 1st. The reason for the wait was the conversation that took place with my doctor earlier in the week. We went over the details, what I needed to do, when to get to the hospital, etc. At the end of the appointment, I asked one last question that had occurred to me just that morning. "There's no way I could be pregnant, right? Not when I've been bleeding all this time...." Wrong. And so we will wait another two weeks so that I can take a pregnancy test to make absolutely sure that the procedure won't interrupt anything. I was so frustrated when I walked out of his office. (I'm fairly certain I am not pregnant, but I just have to be sure.) How could I make it another almost three weeks? I was even more confused, because the day before the appointment I had prayed and really just cried out to God about this, and I really felt like He told me that I would be healed soon.

When I got home I spent some time with a friend of mine who had come over to watch Henry while I visited the doctor. (I am blessed to have this good friend who really loves and cares about my son, so I don't feel like I have to ignore him when she is over, she is content to do things that he likes to do.) As we watched Henry play I was reminded of how amazing it was that God used what I was seeing as random events to create such a perfect, marvelous boy. Not only is he beautifully designed, but he has brought so much joy to our entire family. Because of Henry, I'm not working at a job I hate, I'm excited to get up every morning and I'm smiling all day. I appreciate Greg in a whole new way, and in many ways our relationships with our parents are deeper and fuller because they are grandparents. If things had happened according to my plan, I would have missed out on what is now the best part of my life.

Taking a step back to look at what God has done in the past has helped me see that He is working all things for our good. Now if only I could use that knowledge to stop worrying about the future....

It has been 6 days since I spoke to the doctor, and I have had no symptoms at all. I don't know if God just chose to heal me or what. I am just trying to live one day at a time in faith and trust. In the meantime, I will take care of my son, and try to remember that He really does know what He's doing.

And it continues...

I am not having the procedure tomorrow, they couldn't fit me in. I am just so sick of feeling this way. I am counting the days until next Friday. I just want to know what's wrong with me!