The Lump

I'm sitting in the waiting room looking through magazines, pictures of houses with gardens and wide plank floors, trying to forget why I'm here. I can't though. Stella is toddling around and everyone she meets lights up at her antics. Horrible, horrible thoughts cross my mind. I picture her in a wedding dress, someone putting lipstick on her, and I wonder, do I write her a special letter for that day? Is it fair, to make her sad when she should be so happy? Is it selfish? Would she even be sad, or just feel obligated to read it? It is fairly certain she won't remember me by then.

By then she'll have moved on, been loved, not quite so well as I would have loved her, but loved by someone. I think of this hypothetical someone and I'm at once grateful, jealous, filled with a sadness that pulls me apart. Of course I'd want him to move on. I never want him to move on! How could he? How could they all? All the earth, turning, people moving on and on without me as though I was a fly someone swatted away.

Calm down, calm down, I think. You don't want to cry here. Shouldn't my faith make me strong now? Shouldn't the way I handle myself show the world how Great a God I trust? But, my kids. It's not just me. If it were I could face it all, but my babies, without the insane love that a mother feels, who will help them, who will never give up on them, who will spend every last breath, dollar, minute on keeping them safe? And it dawns on me finally as I'm lying on the table, the gel spread over my breast and the tech asking me questions, that I know He will. He will protect them, guide them, love them and comfort them. He will never leave them or forsake them. And He'll do it all better than I ever thought I could. I don't feel insignificant now, only relieved.

The specialist comes in and smiles and I know it will be ok. Just some bruised tissue he says, from when you offered your breasts to feed them. It happens, a little damage, a scar, a harmless mark of motherhood. No chemo, no cancer, no writing letters for the days I'll miss. And I say thank you, but I'm not so relieved as I was a moment before, because the burden is still lifted. I don't have to be everything anymore. He takes away and gives back so much more. So I thank God then, for the lump.

Prayer Request

If anyone reads this blog, will you please pray for my friend Trouwbottom's little niece. She is very sick and we don't know what's wrong yet. You can read about it here.

Thank you!

Yaaaaay!

So my final* draft of my note is done and submitted! Now I can tell my secret. I'm PREGNANT!
I know. I'm in law school. I know. I live in an apartment in Newark. I know. I am completely unprepared to have this baby.

And I know that this was not exactly a part of my life plan, at least right now. But I guess sometimes God has bigger and better plans than we do. So I am just going to do my best to trust that God will provide for us. We obviously have to move, I am trusting the Lord to provide a place for us to live. We will have to get good paying jobs this summer, even though the only ones available are unpaid internships. I know God will take care of us. I will have to figure out how to manage school and family. This one might just be the toughest, but I know that with the Lord's help, I can do this!

I'm so excited right now, it's going to be hard to focus on getting through this semester. One more week until we go to the doctor! We should be able to hear the heartbeat on the ultrasound by then - how wild is that?

Resolved

So my friend from law school who (as far as we've ever discussed) does not have a relationship with God, came to church with us tonight. I don't know exactly how it really went, because she is very reserved about religion or any other topic that people usually get offended over. At least nothing happened at church to make me cringe (I was worried about mildly chauvinistic comments, excessive Christianese, and crazy homeless people talking about vajayjays, all of which I've experienced first hand at church). In fact, it seemed fairly tame compared to some other times when I've attempted to bring friends who are not born again to church services.

That said, I know that no church service will make an impact on anyone's heart unless God first softens it up a bit. I'm not going to even begin to pretend like I have a grasp on the whole Calvinist v. free will debate that Christians like to engage in ad nauseum, but I'm pretty sure that without God's help people don't have a chance of seeing the truth. Everything is so cloudy nowadays, or maybe it just always was, I don't know. There are so many lies out there that everyone is taught to believe. All I know is that there have been people in my life that I've argued with and pleaded with and loved and served and cried over, who have never seen the truth. Then there was one friend who all I did was pray for, every day, earnestly, for over a year. This friend is now a leader in his own church. I didn't have to be smart, or cool, or even good to win this soul for Christ. I just asked God and He changed this young man's heart so drastically that I was totally blown away by His power. To this day, when I face doubts, I remember the work that God did in this guy's life and there is no way I can deny His power.

So...I guess the question is do I have the faith to pray for my friend in law school. It is scary, because I really care about her, and I feel like if I pray for her earnestly, and she still rejects Him, then I will be so devastated. And if it comes down to sharing my faith with her, I'm so afraid that I will screw it up and she will miss out on God's awesome love for her. I guess one of my biggest fears stems from the fact that in a lot of ways, she is smarter and even a better person than I am. I'm kind of afraid that she will see a belief coming from me as invalid because of this. But in the end I can't change who I am, and there is no way my foolishness can separate someone from the love of God.

I can only hope and pray that she will meet Him somehow. When I think about the possibility, I remember the difference in my life in the times when I am obedient and communing with Him, and the times when I am far away, and how wonderful it is to be in His presence. When I think through this logically, it makes me amazed that I haven't already been diligently praying for my firend. When I know first hand about the power of the Holy Spirit to move it people's lives I don't know why I never think to intercede in this way. Also, when I think about my friend on fire for Jesus I get really excited, because I think she is a very gifted person to begin with, and I can't imagine what wonderful things God could do through her life.

I'm going now to lay in bed and PRAY!!

I made it through! (barely)

So I haven't posted since the summer. This is because this semester was the hardest I've ever had. Classes weren't that bad, but I was on a law journal, which basically means that at any point during the semester I would get an obnoxious email saying I had to do an assignment for the journal, with strict deadlines. Also there were "reading days", meaning Saturdays where we redid all of the assignments as a group and ate stale turkey wraps. Worst. Semester. Ever.

But all this is behind me. I did not accomplish anything besides surviving law school. I did not finish any fun craft projects or develop any much needed good habits, so this year is all about personal improvement. I made a beautiful list of New Year's resolutions. I figured that it was way too overwhelming to conquer at once so I'm trying to use the flylady method (sort of) to handle one new habit at a time.

On the menu for Jan. has been to adjust to not taking birth control pills (successful) work on getting 8 hours of sleep (unsuccessful), take a multi-vitamin every day (successful), go to all of my classes (mostly successful), drink more water (working on it), and go to church regularly. The church step is more complicated than I thought. We found a great thriving church near where I worked this summer, but we found it sort of difficult to break in socially. Everyone was extremely friendly, but it is just hard when everyone else has known each other so long and you're just coming in. They stopped having a mid-week bible study for our age group, and after that we gave up. In 2009 we started going to the Wed. night service at the church that we went to in college. It is nice to see familiar faces, to hold the babies and kids that we know so well. The problems are that it takes almost an hour and a half to get there, and I'm not getting a whole lot from the teaching. While debating about these issues and sort of feeling guilty about my lack of spiritual committment, the pastor from the church we found this summer asked to take us to lunch. He proceeded to gently hint that we needed to not be so lame and go to church even when we are so busy. I totally agree.

I have, for about the first 22 years of my life, been the kind of person who goes to church 3 times a week. In college I actually looked forward to going to church so much that I would plan everything around it, classes, jobs, etc. I especially loved living on the same street as my church in my junior year. I would be taking a nap and just roll out of bed and go to church, sometimes in my pjs (on Wed. nights only :). No one judged me for this (out loud). I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I was closer to my church family than anyone else other than my actual family. When I had tough times, they were there for me, supporting to me, listening to me, and I loved encouraging them too. I taught Sunday School and grew to love the little kids. I held the babies every week and loved them too. I felt like I didn't need to be fake with them at all. When someone asked "how are you?", I gave an honest answer and expected the same in return. We didn't feel weird asking personal questions, like "Are you going to have children?"

Now I'm just not sure what happened. Somewhere along with all of the changes that have occurred in the past two years I lost that family. Moving, marriage, graduation, going to law school. Everything hit me at once and now I don't even recognize myself. I'm 50 lbs heavier, I own a kitchenaid, and I haven't heard the Lord's calling in almost 2 years. I know I need to get out of this rut, but I'm not sure how. All I can do is take one little step at a time. Taking a vitamin might not seem very important to someone looking in, but from here it seems like one of the few steps I can manage right now. Anything more and I would probably just give up altogether.

I realize now more than ever the importance of having routines. Routines are what allow us to accomplish important things without having to worry and obsess over the little things. Things like cleaning, making dinner, even getting dressed in a routine, forms a habit so you can do them all without having to devote precious mental energy to the mundane. For instance, when you gain weight and change sizes, every morning becomes a battle to find something to wear. It is not as simple as just buying clothes like the ones you had in a size up. Clothes that looked fine in a 12 might look terrible in a 14. The weight gain also means that my closet is packed with two sets of clothes, some that fit, and some that don't. This creates the stress of feeling disorganized, the stress and guilt of spending money on clothes that I shouldn't need. This in turn brings me to stressing about money, something over which at this point in my life I have almost no control over. The Devil uses this chain of stressful thoughts to completely ruin any chance I had of having a good day. Instead of focusing on the difficult mental tasks of the day, I'm stuck struggling with issues that I have no immediate control over. Of course when I try to take small steps in the right direction, like exercising that day, another voice says "you don't have time to waste exercising, you need to be studying!". So I study, and worry about my weight, and about money.

So enough complaining. I will focus on my goals one at a time. My goals will be small and manageable, and I will not worry about the larger problem when I am doing my best to chip away at it with smaller steps. That is all I can do. This week I will go to church. I don't have to find a best friend, or be invited to everyone's house for lunch, or asked to teach Sunday school. I will just show up, and leave when the service is over. That is all that I can handle this week, so that's what I'll do.

Not so bad...

So my sister has pretty much decided not to fight her landlord on the security deposit issue. Even though I know we would win in small claims court, I guess she is just too stressed about the idea of taking a neighbor to court. Frankly I admire her classy approach, although if I were in her shoes I would definitely fight this out. It kind of makes me angry though, that people will take advantage of others that way, betting on the assumption that nice people won't go to court.

I guess if my family is happier losing the money and not having to deal with these trashy people any longer, it's their call. I think I have to stop worrying about these kinds of problems that are outside of my control. Last night I was so angry about this, until I realized that me fuming all night would do absolutely nothing. All it got me was a lousy evening not enjoying being home with my husband. At that point, I really wanted to let it go.

Here is an interesting story from a Christian doctor I know, he is advising someone who lent a relative some money and the relative wouldn't pay it back:

Here are some of my thoughts on the $15K matter:

Although this is water under the bridge, refuse to lend to family and friends because a loan can easily end a friendship, because the moment you accept a loan from me you become, in a sense, my servant. Proverbs 22:7 : "The rich rule over the poor and the borrower is servant to the lender." This can quickly become an uncomfortable situation for both parties as you're experiencing. If we do feel led to financially help someone, it's best to give loans expecting nothing in return. Luke 6:30 : Give [not loan] to everyone that asks of you and if anyone does take what belongs to you, do not demand it back.

Perhaps you should acknowledge to this relative that you may have been in error in allowing him to become indebted to you. I think God's ideal is to keep out of debt altogether. Romans 13:8 : "Owe no man anything, but to love one another: for he that loves another has fulfilled the law." Maybe even ask him to forgive you for compromising God's ideal and explain you want to be a true brother/brother-in-law/cousin/uncle/friend, etc. by helping him to be financially free. As you know, often debt is simply the tip of the iceberg and is a result of various hidden motives to borrow money. Maybe you know your relative's situation well enough or could gather facts from him to determine what his real financial needs are and what spiritual problem(s) may have caused them (ie, greed, slothfulness, impatience, pride, presumption, unbelief.)

If you are still maintaining a good relationship with your relative, and he genuinely is serious about repaying you but simply cannot afford to do so now, perhaps you could sit down with him, assist and patiently help him work out a plan to gradually reimburse you (maybe only in part) as he is able, (Luke 16:1-12) expecting that the financial bondage that your relative is in may take a long time to remove and that you will have to share the burden with him until he is financially stable.

If it's a matter that your relative has chosen to refuse to pay you and relationships have become strained or unpleasant, there are a number of verses which relate to the matter (and which, I grant, are easier for me to quote since it's not my $15,000.) It's likely that your relative will not initiate reconciliation with you (people in this situation are often prisoners of guilt, self-justification, denial, insensitivity or bitterness). God teaches that the offended one must initiate reconciliation. We are to have a forgiving spirit whether or not our offender asks forgiveness. We're to pray for those who offend us (and I don't think it means pray for condemnation on them.) By refusing to forgive an offender, the offended one is in bondage to his own resentment. Forgiveness, complete unconditional forgiveness, is clearing the record with those who have wronged me and then allowing God to love them through me. God was offended by us but he initiated forgiveness and reconciliation. I realize to forgive an offender in this case, is to accept the reality of personal loss, but God always writes the last chapter and His blessing is our greatest asset. When we release a debtor God releases unexpected blessing in our lives. I Peter 3:9: "Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise, blessing; knowing that you are thereunto called that you should inherit a blessing." I think Matthew 18:21-35 stresses the importance of forgiving your brother's sin against you and seems to make it clear that we should forgive financial debts that people refuse to pay us. A person who has a forgiving spirit is conscious of the great debt he owes to God and is willing to release others from the debt which they owe him. Another verse which came to mind relating to debt was Matthew 6:12 : "...forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." Furthermore, if you relative is a Christian, I Corinthians 6:1-10 advises that the Christian should not go to law with a brother in civil courts -- that it's better to suffer being taken advantage of. People who do not initiate forgiveness toward an offender, miss out on the benefits which could come from reconciliation including elimination of bitterness and an unforgiving spirit, the consequence of which could be a breaking of fellowship with God. The temporal debts others may owe us are infinitesimal in comparison with the eternal debts we owe to God. Thus, to forgive our debtor is the bargain of a lifetime.

Over the years, I have had many dental debtors which I have dealt with in a wide variety of ways depending on a number of factors. I can say that I have never regretted forgiving them when I have felt led or convicted to do so. Here's an example. Back in March, 2006 a couple from St. Paul 's amassed a significant dental bill, and then moved out of town, even out of state, without paying. After some repeated months of billing them and hearing nothing, I sent the following letter:

"It seems apparent to me that this debt is causing you hardship and that your needs at this time are greater than mine. Further, the best I can understand the teachings of Jesus Christ, we are to "share one another's burdens," and should forgive others to the extent that He has forgiven us.

I am therefore forgiving you this debt, and canceling your account balance with this office in the amount of $____. I am prayerful that this is done to the glory of God and the furtherance of His Kingdom. Hope you folks are doing well in_____."

I heard nothing. Then in December of that year, I received the following letter:

"Dear Doc,

Greetings in our Lord Jesus Christ. Your letter to us a few months ago took both of us aback. Your faith and your forgiveness of our debt was a real blessing to us. Please bear with me for a moment while I tell you something. Back in 2002, right before we moved there to Ocean Grove, on one of our many visits there, we attended one of the services at St. Paul 's church. I believe it was one of the first in the church. Before that we attended many on the beach pavilion. Anyway, for some reason, I never liked it much when missionaries spoke at churches in the past. ??? I don't know why. But on this particular day you were there speaking about your missionary journeys. Dale you are one of the few missionaries who touched and blessed my heart. I know it wasn't you talking about pulling teeth and such, but your faith and the Spirit speaking through you. You really blessed me then and in the future when we moved there. That has stuck with me now and you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Anyway, when we got your letter we decided that one day we would like to be a blessing to you and your mission. As God has blessed us, please use this for your missionary work, or any way God moves you to use it. Thank you again for the many ways that you have been a blessing to us and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers."

Enclosed was a check for an amount about 30% greater than what I had originally forgiven. This is just one of a number of examples of these situations that I could relate to you.

Seems to me in a situation like this, some questions you need to ask yourself are:

Who does my money really belong to?

Am I willing to compromise convictions or relationships for money?

...and then determine what amount God would have you give to your relative as well as what other counsel and direction you can give to him.

There's my input for what it's worth. I'm not going to ask you anything about what you decide to do and will continue to pray for you to have wisdom in dealing with this matter.

ReplyReply All

Move...

Tough Day - Security Deposit Debacle

So, today I had some frustrating news. My sister and parents own a house in a historic town (aka - houses are OLD) and wanted to renovate. They felt that it would be cheaper to just move out and empty the house in order to do major repairs, so they looked into renting an apartment. It seemed too good to be true when our neighbors (attorneys who live in another state) offered us their house to rent. The house seemed perfect for our purposes, (although kind of grotty), so we ended up living there for about a year and a half. Well, our house is looking pretty good, and we moved back in mid-June, but still hadn't received our security deposit in the mail.

My sister emailed the landlord, who stalled for a while, and now she is saying that the house was "too dirty and grimy" to rent again, and she would have to keep the 2,000 deposit to have the house cleaned and to make repairs. I know for a fact that the rental house was much cleaner when we left than when we moved in! In fact, I thought at the time that my family really went overboard to make the house rental-ready, (repairing stuff, repainted chipped walls, and cleaning very thoroughly). So I'm not sure whether the owner is just relying on her real estate agent, who may be blaming us for the slow rental market, or whether the owner is crazy or just trying to take advantage of my family. Or maybe she just didn't realize the condition of the house when we moved in? Either way, this situation is so frustrating to me.

I looked up the law about security deposits in my state, and I'm pretty sure that even if the house was dirty (which it wasn't) she would not be allowed to deduct cleaning expenses from the security deposit. Also, by waiting longer than 30 days to give the deposit back and by failing to provide us with an itemized list of damages, I know that in small claims court she would owe us double the deposit. However, my too-sweet-to-deal family won't even consider asking a lawyer what to do, let alone harbor the idea of taking their neighbor to small claims court. What should I do in this situation? Is it better to make nice with a cheating neighbor than get the court involved? Before I went to law school I would have thought that anything involving an attorney would be extreme, but now I just see this as a fair way to settle a dispute. As a Christian, is it wrong to take someone to court like this, even if you're in the right?

Young Startup

This is my first attempt at blogging, so forgive me if it takes a while for this to feel natural. I'm 23. I'm married (for over a year now) to my soul mate. I'm in law school, I just finished my first year and am working at a firm for the summer. I'm a Christian, born-again, Jesus-freak, whatever you want to call it. This makes me lonely at law school. I have lots of friends, but there are no other Christians in my section that I've met. This is hard because law school also makes it hard to participate in a church. I make it a rule not to bring up my beliefs with my friends, which is why I'm soooo happy when they ask about them.
Right now I'm trying to decide what to do with my life, because I could really care less about my career. For me, the law is just one way to get a job and make money so I can do the things I really enjoy. Those things are also less clear than they used to be, but mostly include spending time with my husband and my family, making great food and entertaining people, and doing anything creative with my hands, (sewing, building, painting, even writing I would take!)
I am trying very hard now to be grateful for all of the great things in my life, but I have to admit that I've been a bit depressed. My job does not leave me with any free time, which means I feel guilty about: not calling my friends back, not cleaning my apartment, making my husband do laundry, dishes, and food prep when his job is also hard, not working out/planning healthy meals, not visiting my Mom-Dad-Sister-Brotherinlaw when I know they miss me, not working extra hours to pay off Debt, not going to church, not helping anyone else.
I guess this blog is sort of my attempt to put down all of this so I don't have to carry it around anymore. Perhaps if anyone has a suggestion about multi-tasking? I don't know, or possible careers for a lawyer that don't involve selling your soul to partners who are convinced of their infallibility for just enough money to qualify for a mortgage on a 2 B home for 1 million?