So I haven't posted since the summer. This is because this semester was the hardest I've ever had. Classes weren't that bad, but I was on a law journal, which basically means that at any point during the semester I would get an obnoxious email saying I had to do an assignment for the journal, with strict deadlines. Also there were "reading days", meaning Saturdays where we redid all of the assignments as a group and ate stale turkey wraps. Worst. Semester. Ever.
But all this is behind me. I did not accomplish anything besides surviving law school. I did not finish any fun craft projects or develop any much needed good habits, so this year is all about personal improvement. I made a beautiful list of New Year's resolutions. I figured that it was way too overwhelming to conquer at once so I'm trying to use the flylady method (sort of) to handle one new habit at a time.
On the menu for Jan. has been to adjust to not taking birth control pills (successful) work on getting 8 hours of sleep (unsuccessful), take a multi-vitamin every day (successful), go to all of my classes (mostly successful), drink more water (working on it), and go to church regularly. The church step is more complicated than I thought. We found a great thriving church near where I worked this summer, but we found it sort of difficult to break in socially. Everyone was extremely friendly, but it is just hard when everyone else has known each other so long and you're just coming in. They stopped having a mid-week bible study for our age group, and after that we gave up. In 2009 we started going to the Wed. night service at the church that we went to in college. It is nice to see familiar faces, to hold the babies and kids that we know so well. The problems are that it takes almost an hour and a half to get there, and I'm not getting a whole lot from the teaching. While debating about these issues and sort of feeling guilty about my lack of spiritual committment, the pastor from the church we found this summer asked to take us to lunch. He proceeded to gently hint that we needed to not be so lame and go to church even when we are so busy. I totally agree.
I have, for about the first 22 years of my life, been the kind of person who goes to church 3 times a week. In college I actually looked forward to going to church so much that I would plan everything around it, classes, jobs, etc. I especially loved living on the same street as my church in my junior year. I would be taking a nap and just roll out of bed and go to church, sometimes in my pjs (on Wed. nights only :). No one judged me for this (out loud). I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I was closer to my church family than anyone else other than my actual family. When I had tough times, they were there for me, supporting to me, listening to me, and I loved encouraging them too. I taught Sunday School and grew to love the little kids. I held the babies every week and loved them too. I felt like I didn't need to be fake with them at all. When someone asked "how are you?", I gave an honest answer and expected the same in return. We didn't feel weird asking personal questions, like "Are you going to have children?"
Now I'm just not sure what happened. Somewhere along with all of the changes that have occurred in the past two years I lost that family. Moving, marriage, graduation, going to law school. Everything hit me at once and now I don't even recognize myself. I'm 50 lbs heavier, I own a kitchenaid, and I haven't heard the Lord's calling in almost 2 years. I know I need to get out of this rut, but I'm not sure how. All I can do is take one little step at a time. Taking a vitamin might not seem very important to someone looking in, but from here it seems like one of the few steps I can manage right now. Anything more and I would probably just give up altogether.
I realize now more than ever the importance of having routines. Routines are what allow us to accomplish important things without having to worry and obsess over the little things. Things like cleaning, making dinner, even getting dressed in a routine, forms a habit so you can do them all without having to devote precious mental energy to the mundane. For instance, when you gain weight and change sizes, every morning becomes a battle to find something to wear. It is not as simple as just buying clothes like the ones you had in a size up. Clothes that looked fine in a 12 might look terrible in a 14. The weight gain also means that my closet is packed with two sets of clothes, some that fit, and some that don't. This creates the stress of feeling disorganized, the stress and guilt of spending money on clothes that I shouldn't need. This in turn brings me to stressing about money, something over which at this point in my life I have almost no control over. The Devil uses this chain of stressful thoughts to completely ruin any chance I had of having a good day. Instead of focusing on the difficult mental tasks of the day, I'm stuck struggling with issues that I have no immediate control over. Of course when I try to take small steps in the right direction, like exercising that day, another voice says "you don't have time to waste exercising, you need to be studying!". So I study, and worry about my weight, and about money.
So enough complaining. I will focus on my goals one at a time. My goals will be small and manageable, and I will not worry about the larger problem when I am doing my best to chip away at it with smaller steps. That is all I can do. This week I will go to church. I don't have to find a best friend, or be invited to everyone's house for lunch, or asked to teach Sunday school. I will just show up, and leave when the service is over. That is all that I can handle this week, so that's what I'll do.
