This was an old post I never published. I decided to update it to see how I'm doing :)
Spiritual
1. Read through Bible each year. - not quite, but doing better
2. Memorize scripture with the kids - check
3. Learn the words to a hymn each month with the kids - no way! I didn't count on a kid who hates singing.
Social
4. Have someone over or hang out with people every week (this doesn't seem like a lot to some people but for introverts like me this takes so much energy!) - doing better, more like every other week.
5. Stay in touch with old friends, go hang out with some north jersey people occasionally! - nope
6. Make a Passover meal each year and invite others to join - check
Personal
7. Eat breakfast - nope
8. Get sleep - nope
9. Grow hair out one last time before cutting it off forever :)- trying, but I might give in and chop it
10. Make one more beautiful baby :) - not yet :(
Financial
11. Tithe- definitely need some help here
12. Pay off all credit card balances (almost there) - working on it
13. Submit quarterly estimated tax payments - check
14. Replace $ borrowed from vacation fund - check
15. Make double payments on Bar Loans - not yet
16. Submit paperwork to stay on IBR plan for Direct Loans - check
17. Save 40K for house fund - hahahahahahaha
18. Check goodwill before running to the store (just bought Henry jeans for 99 cents each, plus a bike helmet for skating) - still do this
Professional
19. Complete Draft of first novel in series, complete outline of rest of series - still on the draft
20. Submit draft of book one to agents - no
21. Submit 3 short stories to be published - no but did write the stories, just too chicken to send them
Wifey
22. Watch kids while Greg does something for himself at least once a week (men's time, skating, etc.) - compromise, Greg takes one to game night and I keep the other home
23. Plan something thoughtful for anniversaries, birthday, Valentine's Day, and Father's Day - not really
Daughter/Aunt
24. Plan and make the best dinners I can during my week - so so
25. Remember anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day! - getting better?
26. Take Mercy to Thornley and play practice next year- looking forward to this
27. Do something special with Mercy now and then - I wish I could do something with just her occasionally
Mommy
28. Potty-train Henry to independence - yes! finally
29. Potty-train Stella to independence - half way there
30. Get Henry to sleep in a big-boy bed - check
31. Get Stella to sleep in a big-girl bed - check
32. Get Henry to feed himself- check
33. Teach Henry to do dishes and set table - can set the table and help clean up around the house
34. Teach Stella how to read - knows her letters
35. Do fun themes-of-the-week for Stella during the year - next year?
36. Teach Henry the 50 States and Capitals - not officially
37. Put continent boxes together and teach Henry the Continents - love this, half way there
38. Get Latin cd and work on chants - used prima latina to introduce the concept of Latin, big hit
39. Teach basic Spanish vocab - Elly is fluent
40. Get Henry through Right Start levels B, C, and possibly D- working on B
41. Make sure Greg has time to teach both kids to swim - we need to find a new pool
42. Take the kids skiing - nope
43. Continue Henry's skating lessons - skating was an epic fail, maybe we'll try again next year
44. Start Stella skating - ditto
45. Take Henry to a gymnastics class - not yet
46. Try the free ballet class - tried it, trying again in the Fall
47. Get Henry piano and/or violin lessons - not yet
48. Bring Henry to Thornley Chapel and play practice every day in the Summer - epic fail last Summer, hopeful for this year
49. Go to Bible hour in the Summer - not with my baby girl
50. Volunteer at NJ homeschool convention - did it
51. Investigate homeschool co-ops, classical conversations, play groups - done, going to classical conversations next year as long as they have room for us.
Showing posts with label huswifery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label huswifery. Show all posts
Sunday, April 20, 2014
5 Ways to Enjoy Community Living
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About two years ago, my family, meaning my husband and kids, my sister and
her husband and daughter, and my parents, all moved into one house. We were
very lucky to inherit a large Victorian that used to be a rooming house, just a
couple of blocks from the beach. We renovated the house into three separate
apartments and started our adventure in community living. Our original
intention was to save money while my husband started his solo law practice, but
over the last two years we've found the benefits of living so close have far
outweighed the disadvantages. Here are some unexpected ways community living
has made us stronger and how you might be able to duplicate some of the benefits for
yourself:
1) Food: For the last year or so we've had a dinner plan. For us it works like this: We rotate weeks to cook dinner. My mom, my sister and I each take a week, so each person is only cooking big dinners every third week. We make enough to feed everyone. Sometimes we actually eat all together but more often we just take a plate, grab the food, and go home to enjoy dinner with our individual families. We usually only do it Monday through Thursday or Friday, depending on everyone's plans. That way we get to go out to eat or cook what we prefer on the weekends.
Dinners don't have to be elaborate, there is plenty of spaghetti and breakfast for dinner happening over on Webb Avenue, but because I'm only cooking every third week, I have less cooking burnout and therefore tend to try nicer meals than I would if left on my own.
We have stopped eating out during the week, saving money and making much healthier choices.
It just seems easier to me to cook for six adults than to cook for two. Am I wrong? When it was just Greg and I, I had to halve or "third" all the recipes, and I always seemed to have too many leftovers that got thrown away. It created a disincentive to buy fresh food and an incentive to get take-out. Cooking a meal from scratch with fresh food was often more expensive than eating out, figuring in the waste. Now I seldom have leftovers and when I do, there are plenty of people to feed them to for lunch.
Only shopping for "real" groceries every third week saves so much time and possibly money. Going on a long grocery trip every week was eating up cash and time that I would have rather spent elsewhere. Now I run to Costco or Target for milk only visit the big grocery store just before my week to cook. I don't spend that much more to cook for the big family than I did cooking for my own, and I don't have to drag the kids out shopping so much.
At the end of my week, if I have fresh ingredients I think someone else can use, I pass them on to the next cook. That way my dozen eggs or pound of meat isn’t wasted on my off weeks.
How you can do it: I know most people don't have the option to form a commune with their families in a big house by the ocean, but are there other ways you can share some of the load? Maybe your extended family could start with having a family dinner one night a week, and trade off on who cooks. No family around? How about having a little dinner co-op with some mom friends one night? One mom could cook a jumbo dinner and drop it off or have it picked up, and then you switch. This would work great if you traded meals at a your kids' school or co-op. Or how about having a "cooking party" once or twice a month. You could get together and make some meals to freeze. Split up the ingredients ahead of time and then let everyone do the cooking tasks they enjoy the most or are the best at. Clean up together and be done! Even if it's just once a week, not having to cook dinner frees you up to enjoy your family, read your Bible, or just relax. Not to mention that dinner cooked by someone else always seems to taste better :)
2) Clothes: I admit it, I love dressing my kids up in adorable clothes. Finding that perfect little sweater for my son or a gorgeous dress for my baby girl gives me pleasure. I love hunting for just the right thing, I love finding just the right accessories, and I love dressing them. And then.... you have to wash them, and store them, and get rid of them when they don't fit anymore. All of this is a big time and brain suck. I find myself purging the kids' closet almost weekly, trying to keep up with all the growth spurts and seasonal changes. Just when I think I have it covered, my son rips through the last pair of un-ripped jeans, my daughter outgrows her only bathing suit, and everyone needs new shoes.
Some ways I’ve used community living to simplify the time and money I spend on kids’ clothes:
Hand me downs. (both giving and receiving) I have a friend with a son just a size or two larger than mine who hands down great clothing. Even though I don’t get everything we need this way, it still saves money, and more importantly, time to get clothes in a garbage bag instead of painstakingly shopping for them. My niece hands down fabulous clothes – I actually have to limit what I save from her because it’s often more than we actually need. I’ve also found great joy in handing down clothes to friends. When your babies have worn things it’s hard sometimes to dump them off at Goodwill and hope they end up in a good home. When I give a special dress to a friend, there’s a chance I’ll get to see the outfit again on another sweet baby and that makes me happy.
Sharing coupons. My sister loves Gymboree. So do I, but a Gymboree wardrobe is not always the first thing I want to spend my money on. Also Gymboree offers great deals, if you are buying lots of clothes every couple of months. I try to co-op with my sister and use our Gymbucks together to get the most out of the promotions. I might need something when they are offering the Gymbucks redemption. Instead of spending money on clothes we don’t need or trying to buy ahead for my unpredictably growing children, I give the bucks to her. In turn she does the same for me when she has bucks she doesn’t need. The same goes for Stride Rite promotions.
As much joy as I get from dressing up my babies, I hate dressing myself. I never seem to find what I'm looking for when I go shopping, and when I do find something I like, I tend to just wear it until it falls apart. Once upon a time I worked at a law firm and had a closet full of suits, blouses, and skirts, drawers full of earrings and necklaces, and boxes of shoes. I was very, very happy to downsize that closet and trade it in for my mom wardrobe of jeans, uggs and drape-y sweaters. That said, there are times when I do need to dress up, and my wardrobe that is just perfect suddenly seems terribly lacking. Instead of keeping half a closet full of options I rarely use, I've found ways to share the burden of getting dressed.
If I need a dress for a wedding or holiday, I borrow one from my sister. If she needs flip-flops or tall boots or a drape-y sweater, I’m her girl. We’re pretty much the same size, so why have duplicates of every rarely needed article of clothing? This also works well for coats, shoes, and bags. Who wants to store enough handbags to match every outfit? If your love language is clothing you’re probably having a conniption right now, but for those of us for whom shopping for clothes is a burden, share some of it with a friend. I know some friends who pass around a box of maternity clothes, which I think is just brilliant. Not only do you not have to buy an entirely new pregnant wardrobe, you don’t have to store it all when you’re not using it.
3) Space: This might not be as big of a deal for some of you, but for other northeasterners like myself, space is at a premium. I live in a two-bedroom apartment with my family of four, and items in our space have to earn the right to remain. Because space is such a commodity for us, I’ve found ways to trade for it. For example, I lend out our baby equipment as soon as we are done with it. The deal is, my friends use it, if it breaks that’s totally fine. If it’s still useable when they’re done they give it back and we have it for the next baby. My friends don’t have to buy it, or store it when they’re done, and I get to retain ownership of some great stuff without it being in my house all the time. The same goes for some nice tablecloths, chair covers, and glasses I bought for a party. My friend who has ample storage space stores the boxes for me, and she gets to use them whenever she wants. Between us we’ve used the items for many events. She gets a free party stuff, I get free storage space, win-win. I have another friend who lives in Brooklyn, so she’s even lower on the space totem pole than we are. She lends me books to read; in return I put them in my bookcase until she wants them back. The space they take up is worth it because I get to read great books for free!
Trading spaces: Give away your stuff! If you’re not using something, then lend or give it to someone who can use it. If you have spare room for something, offer to store stuff for a friend. Sharing and lending is efficient and it shows that we trust one another. That said, don’t lend things if you’d be devastated by losing them. The trust should be proportionate to the relationship. I felt terrible when Hurricane Sandy destroyed some books I’d borrowed from a friend. Luckily our friendship was a lot stronger than some lost books.
4) Childcare: This is possibly the biggest advantage of our current living situation. My mom often watches my son for an hour or two just before dinner, allowing me some precious quality time with my daughter, or if she is napping, even more precious alone time. I watch my niece so that my brother-in-law can ref soccer games or volunteer at an after-school program for middle school kids. If someone needs to run out early in the morning or late at night when the kids are still sleeping, there’s always someone else around to cover. We take turns taking all three kids to the playground, to Sesame Place, to the beach, all freeing up parents to do other things. Having support with childcare has been life-changing.
How to do it: I understand this can be tricky. It’s not always easy to trust others with the care of our children. I don’t hire babysitters, generally, because I was a teenaged babysitter, and now realize how completely clueless I was. I was lucky that there were never any real emergencies when I was nanny-ing and babysitting, because I’m not sure I would have known what to do. I had never taken CPR or even heard of anaphylactic shock and people trusted me with their babies. I still can’t even believe it. Throw in my very clingy baby and finding a friend to share kids with can be daunting.
That said, finding people in your life you can trust can be incredibly freeing. Think about whether you can trade off something simple, like carpooling to sports or classes. Even a small change like carpooling could save you hours a week and give you and the other participants a much needed break. Or consider trading childcare for a date-night. You could offer to watch a friend’s kids once or twice a month so that the parents can spend time together, and vice versa.
One way we share childcare without going too far is by hiring a sitter for a group. My small group (consisting several families from church) gets together every couple of weeks. Now that the group has gotten bigger we sometimes find our own childcare, but for a long time we all met in one home and split the cost of a sitter to play with the kids, feed them dinner, and referee while we enjoyed a little bit of adult conversation. By sharing the cost we were able to afford wonderful adult supervision and the kids got a chance to socialize as well. This might be a good option if you are nervous about trusting others with your children or if you have children with special needs. The babysitter is a neutral party who keeps the peace, and parents don’t have to worry about stepping on anyone’s toes. Having our kids share a babysitter has bonded us as parents and has allowed our children to form their own little community.
5) Holidays: I used to love holidays. The change in decor, the yummy food, and buying gifts were all a welcome change from the mundane. Then I had two kids, and quickly became responsible for a slew of details, not just for me, but for our whole family. I had to decorate, plan the social calendar, food, clothes, and gifts. Suddenly Christmas was no longer a welcome break, but rather a trial to survive. I found myself so exhausted and burnt out by the holidays that I needed a vacation after the vacation. I no longer looked forward to planning fun themed birthday parties, I could hardly remember to do anything special for Valentine's Day or my anniversary. Instead of picking out cute outfits and lovingly signing photo cards, I became resentful toward all the work.
Right about the time my family started co-oping dinner time, we decided to split up some of the tasks for holidays as well. Now for birthday parties, my sister is mostly in charge of food, while I handle decorations and goody bags. Before Christmas photos we get a photographer for an hour to come to the house, and take every possible combination of picture for Christmas cards. Last year my sister handled the Easter baskets (much better than the first Easter when Henry got three giant baskets!), and this year I put them together.
Sharing some of the tasks involved in holiday prep allows us to spend more time focused on the purpose of the holiday and less time stressing over details. Think about ways you can cut back on holiday stress by sharing the load. Maybe you could do a stocking exchange with a group of moms, where everyone brings multiples of a stocking stuffer, and everyone goes home with full stockings for the kids with carefully chosen goodies instead of last-minute junk. Maybe you could have a present wrapping party and share wrapping supplies. If your kids are into crafts, but coming up with activities for every special day on the calendar is overwhelming to you, swap holidays with a friend. One house can host the Valentine-making frenzy while another does the Easter egg dyeing. Not only does this kind of community living relieve some of the pressure we put on ourselves during holidays, it also gives us the chance to make special memories. My kids will grow up sharing lots of great times with friends and families, and their mom will be less harried in the process.
1) Food: For the last year or so we've had a dinner plan. For us it works like this: We rotate weeks to cook dinner. My mom, my sister and I each take a week, so each person is only cooking big dinners every third week. We make enough to feed everyone. Sometimes we actually eat all together but more often we just take a plate, grab the food, and go home to enjoy dinner with our individual families. We usually only do it Monday through Thursday or Friday, depending on everyone's plans. That way we get to go out to eat or cook what we prefer on the weekends.
Dinners don't have to be elaborate, there is plenty of spaghetti and breakfast for dinner happening over on Webb Avenue, but because I'm only cooking every third week, I have less cooking burnout and therefore tend to try nicer meals than I would if left on my own.
We have stopped eating out during the week, saving money and making much healthier choices.
It just seems easier to me to cook for six adults than to cook for two. Am I wrong? When it was just Greg and I, I had to halve or "third" all the recipes, and I always seemed to have too many leftovers that got thrown away. It created a disincentive to buy fresh food and an incentive to get take-out. Cooking a meal from scratch with fresh food was often more expensive than eating out, figuring in the waste. Now I seldom have leftovers and when I do, there are plenty of people to feed them to for lunch.
Only shopping for "real" groceries every third week saves so much time and possibly money. Going on a long grocery trip every week was eating up cash and time that I would have rather spent elsewhere. Now I run to Costco or Target for milk only visit the big grocery store just before my week to cook. I don't spend that much more to cook for the big family than I did cooking for my own, and I don't have to drag the kids out shopping so much.
At the end of my week, if I have fresh ingredients I think someone else can use, I pass them on to the next cook. That way my dozen eggs or pound of meat isn’t wasted on my off weeks.
How you can do it: I know most people don't have the option to form a commune with their families in a big house by the ocean, but are there other ways you can share some of the load? Maybe your extended family could start with having a family dinner one night a week, and trade off on who cooks. No family around? How about having a little dinner co-op with some mom friends one night? One mom could cook a jumbo dinner and drop it off or have it picked up, and then you switch. This would work great if you traded meals at a your kids' school or co-op. Or how about having a "cooking party" once or twice a month. You could get together and make some meals to freeze. Split up the ingredients ahead of time and then let everyone do the cooking tasks they enjoy the most or are the best at. Clean up together and be done! Even if it's just once a week, not having to cook dinner frees you up to enjoy your family, read your Bible, or just relax. Not to mention that dinner cooked by someone else always seems to taste better :)
2) Clothes: I admit it, I love dressing my kids up in adorable clothes. Finding that perfect little sweater for my son or a gorgeous dress for my baby girl gives me pleasure. I love hunting for just the right thing, I love finding just the right accessories, and I love dressing them. And then.... you have to wash them, and store them, and get rid of them when they don't fit anymore. All of this is a big time and brain suck. I find myself purging the kids' closet almost weekly, trying to keep up with all the growth spurts and seasonal changes. Just when I think I have it covered, my son rips through the last pair of un-ripped jeans, my daughter outgrows her only bathing suit, and everyone needs new shoes.
Some ways I’ve used community living to simplify the time and money I spend on kids’ clothes:
Hand me downs. (both giving and receiving) I have a friend with a son just a size or two larger than mine who hands down great clothing. Even though I don’t get everything we need this way, it still saves money, and more importantly, time to get clothes in a garbage bag instead of painstakingly shopping for them. My niece hands down fabulous clothes – I actually have to limit what I save from her because it’s often more than we actually need. I’ve also found great joy in handing down clothes to friends. When your babies have worn things it’s hard sometimes to dump them off at Goodwill and hope they end up in a good home. When I give a special dress to a friend, there’s a chance I’ll get to see the outfit again on another sweet baby and that makes me happy.
Sharing coupons. My sister loves Gymboree. So do I, but a Gymboree wardrobe is not always the first thing I want to spend my money on. Also Gymboree offers great deals, if you are buying lots of clothes every couple of months. I try to co-op with my sister and use our Gymbucks together to get the most out of the promotions. I might need something when they are offering the Gymbucks redemption. Instead of spending money on clothes we don’t need or trying to buy ahead for my unpredictably growing children, I give the bucks to her. In turn she does the same for me when she has bucks she doesn’t need. The same goes for Stride Rite promotions.
As much joy as I get from dressing up my babies, I hate dressing myself. I never seem to find what I'm looking for when I go shopping, and when I do find something I like, I tend to just wear it until it falls apart. Once upon a time I worked at a law firm and had a closet full of suits, blouses, and skirts, drawers full of earrings and necklaces, and boxes of shoes. I was very, very happy to downsize that closet and trade it in for my mom wardrobe of jeans, uggs and drape-y sweaters. That said, there are times when I do need to dress up, and my wardrobe that is just perfect suddenly seems terribly lacking. Instead of keeping half a closet full of options I rarely use, I've found ways to share the burden of getting dressed.
If I need a dress for a wedding or holiday, I borrow one from my sister. If she needs flip-flops or tall boots or a drape-y sweater, I’m her girl. We’re pretty much the same size, so why have duplicates of every rarely needed article of clothing? This also works well for coats, shoes, and bags. Who wants to store enough handbags to match every outfit? If your love language is clothing you’re probably having a conniption right now, but for those of us for whom shopping for clothes is a burden, share some of it with a friend. I know some friends who pass around a box of maternity clothes, which I think is just brilliant. Not only do you not have to buy an entirely new pregnant wardrobe, you don’t have to store it all when you’re not using it.
3) Space: This might not be as big of a deal for some of you, but for other northeasterners like myself, space is at a premium. I live in a two-bedroom apartment with my family of four, and items in our space have to earn the right to remain. Because space is such a commodity for us, I’ve found ways to trade for it. For example, I lend out our baby equipment as soon as we are done with it. The deal is, my friends use it, if it breaks that’s totally fine. If it’s still useable when they’re done they give it back and we have it for the next baby. My friends don’t have to buy it, or store it when they’re done, and I get to retain ownership of some great stuff without it being in my house all the time. The same goes for some nice tablecloths, chair covers, and glasses I bought for a party. My friend who has ample storage space stores the boxes for me, and she gets to use them whenever she wants. Between us we’ve used the items for many events. She gets a free party stuff, I get free storage space, win-win. I have another friend who lives in Brooklyn, so she’s even lower on the space totem pole than we are. She lends me books to read; in return I put them in my bookcase until she wants them back. The space they take up is worth it because I get to read great books for free!
Trading spaces: Give away your stuff! If you’re not using something, then lend or give it to someone who can use it. If you have spare room for something, offer to store stuff for a friend. Sharing and lending is efficient and it shows that we trust one another. That said, don’t lend things if you’d be devastated by losing them. The trust should be proportionate to the relationship. I felt terrible when Hurricane Sandy destroyed some books I’d borrowed from a friend. Luckily our friendship was a lot stronger than some lost books.
4) Childcare: This is possibly the biggest advantage of our current living situation. My mom often watches my son for an hour or two just before dinner, allowing me some precious quality time with my daughter, or if she is napping, even more precious alone time. I watch my niece so that my brother-in-law can ref soccer games or volunteer at an after-school program for middle school kids. If someone needs to run out early in the morning or late at night when the kids are still sleeping, there’s always someone else around to cover. We take turns taking all three kids to the playground, to Sesame Place, to the beach, all freeing up parents to do other things. Having support with childcare has been life-changing.
How to do it: I understand this can be tricky. It’s not always easy to trust others with the care of our children. I don’t hire babysitters, generally, because I was a teenaged babysitter, and now realize how completely clueless I was. I was lucky that there were never any real emergencies when I was nanny-ing and babysitting, because I’m not sure I would have known what to do. I had never taken CPR or even heard of anaphylactic shock and people trusted me with their babies. I still can’t even believe it. Throw in my very clingy baby and finding a friend to share kids with can be daunting.
That said, finding people in your life you can trust can be incredibly freeing. Think about whether you can trade off something simple, like carpooling to sports or classes. Even a small change like carpooling could save you hours a week and give you and the other participants a much needed break. Or consider trading childcare for a date-night. You could offer to watch a friend’s kids once or twice a month so that the parents can spend time together, and vice versa.
One way we share childcare without going too far is by hiring a sitter for a group. My small group (consisting several families from church) gets together every couple of weeks. Now that the group has gotten bigger we sometimes find our own childcare, but for a long time we all met in one home and split the cost of a sitter to play with the kids, feed them dinner, and referee while we enjoyed a little bit of adult conversation. By sharing the cost we were able to afford wonderful adult supervision and the kids got a chance to socialize as well. This might be a good option if you are nervous about trusting others with your children or if you have children with special needs. The babysitter is a neutral party who keeps the peace, and parents don’t have to worry about stepping on anyone’s toes. Having our kids share a babysitter has bonded us as parents and has allowed our children to form their own little community.
5) Holidays: I used to love holidays. The change in decor, the yummy food, and buying gifts were all a welcome change from the mundane. Then I had two kids, and quickly became responsible for a slew of details, not just for me, but for our whole family. I had to decorate, plan the social calendar, food, clothes, and gifts. Suddenly Christmas was no longer a welcome break, but rather a trial to survive. I found myself so exhausted and burnt out by the holidays that I needed a vacation after the vacation. I no longer looked forward to planning fun themed birthday parties, I could hardly remember to do anything special for Valentine's Day or my anniversary. Instead of picking out cute outfits and lovingly signing photo cards, I became resentful toward all the work.
Right about the time my family started co-oping dinner time, we decided to split up some of the tasks for holidays as well. Now for birthday parties, my sister is mostly in charge of food, while I handle decorations and goody bags. Before Christmas photos we get a photographer for an hour to come to the house, and take every possible combination of picture for Christmas cards. Last year my sister handled the Easter baskets (much better than the first Easter when Henry got three giant baskets!), and this year I put them together.
Sharing some of the tasks involved in holiday prep allows us to spend more time focused on the purpose of the holiday and less time stressing over details. Think about ways you can cut back on holiday stress by sharing the load. Maybe you could do a stocking exchange with a group of moms, where everyone brings multiples of a stocking stuffer, and everyone goes home with full stockings for the kids with carefully chosen goodies instead of last-minute junk. Maybe you could have a present wrapping party and share wrapping supplies. If your kids are into crafts, but coming up with activities for every special day on the calendar is overwhelming to you, swap holidays with a friend. One house can host the Valentine-making frenzy while another does the Easter egg dyeing. Not only does this kind of community living relieve some of the pressure we put on ourselves during holidays, it also gives us the chance to make special memories. My kids will grow up sharing lots of great times with friends and families, and their mom will be less harried in the process.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Organized.
This has been the mantra ruling my every free second since sometime last year. Getting the clothes organized, the closets organized, the finances organized. Organizing the grocery list, the library books, the social calendar, the traveling details. Saving receipts, clipping coupons, sending out bills.
Always in front of me there is this vision of my life completely organized. I sit at my cleared off kitchen table, drinking home-brewed iced tea, wearing clothes that fit well on the body I got from working out every day while my kids take synchronized naps, while the healthy made-from-scratch dinner bakes in the oven. All the projects are done, every inch of the house painted, swept, disinfected, steam-cleaned, pressed. I type the correct number of words allotted for that day, moving forward in a perfectly straight line toward the ultimate goal of my completed book.
I never spend more than I have to, I never waste time with indecision, never turn back once I've gone down a road, because I always choose the right road the first time. My hair is cut and my nails are polished and I remember everything I'm supposed to do this weekend.
Then the vision fades, and I am appalled by this person living in my house, this flighty, unfocused person who wanders the apartment retrieving socks and scribbling lines of plot onto old envelopes. The person who changes main characters and voice mid-novel. The person who, after feeling nauseous and tired for a couple of days, begins to agonize over the dreaded possibility of an unlooked-for pregnancy, and then, in the same day prays sincerely but futilely for the second line to appear, because salvation lies in the second line. She goes to the store in desperate need and then wanders around trying to remember why she came.
This person is unrecognizable to me, because inside I am a little girl who went to fairs and guessed the number of marbles in the jar, and put my name in hats, and never worried that I wouldn't win - such a thought was inconceivable! I always won. I believed in my own worthiness the way I believed in the infallibility of my family, the way I am tempted now to view the perfection of my children.
I am, in short, so disorganized that I'm not sure now whether the Good Things are a result of some hidden wealth of potential, or that self-centered, entitled bravado, or, most likely, the gifts of a benevolent God who pities my naivety. It is said, God won't give you more than you can handle, and I must be weak indeed for the charmed life I've led.
At the end of the year now, as I make lists and check off boxes and count the cutlery, I am determined to put aside these things sometimes, to stop and think about something deeper, more mysterious than the perfection I crave.
My friend died recently, an old friend. She did not go to the gym; she didn't wear makeup. The wallpaper in her hallway was torn and only some of her children are doctors and professors, only some are married :) She had things in order. Before she got sick, I decided to let go of some of the clutter, ever pursuing that simplified life. I threw out close to 27 birthday cards from this friend. Year after year, she'd taken the time to send me a card. Sometimes she wrote out a verse in her neat little script, sometimes a five or ten dollar bill would fall from the card, neatly folded in two by her honest hands. She never flattered, but sincerely encouraged, using all she had she pushed grace and kindness outward and it rained down on everyone she knew.
I know when I think of my friend, that no amount of planning and working can make me into a woman like her. There is no time to wait until all the dishes are done to develop spiritually. I know I need to invite others into my home even if my ego won't be stroked by them complimenting it. I know I need to go to parties and showers and dinners even though I feel like hiding my disorganized self away in the dark. It is time, my friends, to get the priorities straight.
Always in front of me there is this vision of my life completely organized. I sit at my cleared off kitchen table, drinking home-brewed iced tea, wearing clothes that fit well on the body I got from working out every day while my kids take synchronized naps, while the healthy made-from-scratch dinner bakes in the oven. All the projects are done, every inch of the house painted, swept, disinfected, steam-cleaned, pressed. I type the correct number of words allotted for that day, moving forward in a perfectly straight line toward the ultimate goal of my completed book.
I never spend more than I have to, I never waste time with indecision, never turn back once I've gone down a road, because I always choose the right road the first time. My hair is cut and my nails are polished and I remember everything I'm supposed to do this weekend.
Then the vision fades, and I am appalled by this person living in my house, this flighty, unfocused person who wanders the apartment retrieving socks and scribbling lines of plot onto old envelopes. The person who changes main characters and voice mid-novel. The person who, after feeling nauseous and tired for a couple of days, begins to agonize over the dreaded possibility of an unlooked-for pregnancy, and then, in the same day prays sincerely but futilely for the second line to appear, because salvation lies in the second line. She goes to the store in desperate need and then wanders around trying to remember why she came.
This person is unrecognizable to me, because inside I am a little girl who went to fairs and guessed the number of marbles in the jar, and put my name in hats, and never worried that I wouldn't win - such a thought was inconceivable! I always won. I believed in my own worthiness the way I believed in the infallibility of my family, the way I am tempted now to view the perfection of my children.
I am, in short, so disorganized that I'm not sure now whether the Good Things are a result of some hidden wealth of potential, or that self-centered, entitled bravado, or, most likely, the gifts of a benevolent God who pities my naivety. It is said, God won't give you more than you can handle, and I must be weak indeed for the charmed life I've led.
At the end of the year now, as I make lists and check off boxes and count the cutlery, I am determined to put aside these things sometimes, to stop and think about something deeper, more mysterious than the perfection I crave.
My friend died recently, an old friend. She did not go to the gym; she didn't wear makeup. The wallpaper in her hallway was torn and only some of her children are doctors and professors, only some are married :) She had things in order. Before she got sick, I decided to let go of some of the clutter, ever pursuing that simplified life. I threw out close to 27 birthday cards from this friend. Year after year, she'd taken the time to send me a card. Sometimes she wrote out a verse in her neat little script, sometimes a five or ten dollar bill would fall from the card, neatly folded in two by her honest hands. She never flattered, but sincerely encouraged, using all she had she pushed grace and kindness outward and it rained down on everyone she knew.
I know when I think of my friend, that no amount of planning and working can make me into a woman like her. There is no time to wait until all the dishes are done to develop spiritually. I know I need to invite others into my home even if my ego won't be stroked by them complimenting it. I know I need to go to parties and showers and dinners even though I feel like hiding my disorganized self away in the dark. It is time, my friends, to get the priorities straight.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Party Planning
I don't know why, it must be a stay-at-home mom thing. But I am obsessed with party planning. After my sister's enormous baby shower I can't wait to go back to our relatively simple house parties. I'm having a Halloween party on the 30th, mostly for my single/no kids friends.
Then Nov. 13th is Henry's first birthday party. I wanted to keep it really low key since babies usually get peeved by lots of loud people in their houses, but the list is already growing and the more I plan the crazier it gets. I drew the line at live party entertainment for the kids, because honestly, I don't think another body will fit in our house. It's going to be a Sesame Street party and I just finished up the invitations tonight.
After that I'll probably do something for Christmas, and we haven't even set a date for my friend's bridal shower (wedding is Dec. 18th).
While all these parties are fun, I am glad that we'll be going away for New Years. It may be too much of a good thing!
Then Nov. 13th is Henry's first birthday party. I wanted to keep it really low key since babies usually get peeved by lots of loud people in their houses, but the list is already growing and the more I plan the crazier it gets. I drew the line at live party entertainment for the kids, because honestly, I don't think another body will fit in our house. It's going to be a Sesame Street party and I just finished up the invitations tonight.
After that I'll probably do something for Christmas, and we haven't even set a date for my friend's bridal shower (wedding is Dec. 18th).
While all these parties are fun, I am glad that we'll be going away for New Years. It may be too much of a good thing!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
WhY aM I WrItInG LiKe tHiS?
After about 2 weeks of staying home with Henry while Greg goes off to work, I can honestly say that I'm lovin' this housewife life. Sure, the chores are repetitive and sometimes I long for someone to talk to (who will talk to me in actual words). But spending all day with my son has given me the opportunity to do some of the things I really love. I don't feel guilty when we take a long walk. I don't feel rushed when he hands me the same book three times in a row. I can sleep in as late as Henry does (which is sometimes 10!), and better yet, I can stay up late writing. I'm not too exhausted to cook dinner, and I don't feel the need to eat junk food to deal with the stress in my life. In fact, without any plan to diet or work out, the weight I gained in law school is practically melting off. I even get to read a book now and then, just for fun. While my house is usually in a state of chaos, I know that it won't be a month before I have time to clean the bathroom. I know that I won't have to worry about telling someone else every detail about how to take care of Henry, because I make the bottles, I change the diapers, I put him down for naps.
I guess the bigger question is: will I ever be able to go back to the world I left?
P.S.
Because Greg just fixed my shift key. Henry pried it off a couple of months ago and we just found it under our bed. It feels good to be able to capitalize at whim.
I guess the bigger question is: will I ever be able to go back to the world I left?
P.S.
Because Greg just fixed my shift key. Henry pried it off a couple of months ago and we just found it under our bed. It feels good to be able to capitalize at whim.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
No work and all play
Today was my first day trying out this stay-at-home mom thing. Greg's new job officially started today and Henry and I were left to our own devices. My staying at home is in the trial phase, since I've never done it and we're not quite sure that I won't go insane.
In general the day went well, although through some random circumstances we ended up without a car and it was way too hot to walk outside, so we were pretty cooped up. Henry has a lot of energy and needs to crawl around big spaces in order to be happy. Our cottage does not qualify as a wide open space, so he was mildly cranky until Greg got home and took him for an evening beach run. Whenever we take Henry to the beach, we just put him down and he takes off crawling in any direction for about a mile, then winds his way towards the ocean to play in the surf. At first he would pick up shells and try to taste them, and I would take them away. Pretty soon he would just pick up the shell and hand it right over to me! Now he just examines stuff for a minute and then throws it away.
I am definitely going to have to make a more structured schedule/routine, because playing on the floor with Henry's toys and reading those Llama llama books 10 times in a row may make him happy, but it's going to drive mommy crazy.
In general the day went well, although through some random circumstances we ended up without a car and it was way too hot to walk outside, so we were pretty cooped up. Henry has a lot of energy and needs to crawl around big spaces in order to be happy. Our cottage does not qualify as a wide open space, so he was mildly cranky until Greg got home and took him for an evening beach run. Whenever we take Henry to the beach, we just put him down and he takes off crawling in any direction for about a mile, then winds his way towards the ocean to play in the surf. At first he would pick up shells and try to taste them, and I would take them away. Pretty soon he would just pick up the shell and hand it right over to me! Now he just examines stuff for a minute and then throws it away.
I am definitely going to have to make a more structured schedule/routine, because playing on the floor with Henry's toys and reading those Llama llama books 10 times in a row may make him happy, but it's going to drive mommy crazy.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I made it through! (barely)
So I haven't posted since the summer. This is because this semester was the hardest I've ever had. Classes weren't that bad, but I was on a law journal, which basically means that at any point during the semester I would get an obnoxious email saying I had to do an assignment for the journal, with strict deadlines. Also there were "reading days", meaning Saturdays where we redid all of the assignments as a group and ate stale turkey wraps. Worst. Semester. Ever.
But all this is behind me. I did not accomplish anything besides surviving law school. I did not finish any fun craft projects or develop any much needed good habits, so this year is all about personal improvement. I made a beautiful list of New Year's resolutions. I figured that it was way too overwhelming to conquer at once so I'm trying to use the flylady method (sort of) to handle one new habit at a time.
On the menu for Jan. has been to adjust to not taking birth control pills (successful) work on getting 8 hours of sleep (unsuccessful), take a multi-vitamin every day (successful), go to all of my classes (mostly successful), drink more water (working on it), and go to church regularly. The church step is more complicated than I thought. We found a great thriving church near where I worked this summer, but we found it sort of difficult to break in socially. Everyone was extremely friendly, but it is just hard when everyone else has known each other so long and you're just coming in. They stopped having a mid-week bible study for our age group, and after that we gave up. In 2009 we started going to the Wed. night service at the church that we went to in college. It is nice to see familiar faces, to hold the babies and kids that we know so well. The problems are that it takes almost an hour and a half to get there, and I'm not getting a whole lot from the teaching. While debating about these issues and sort of feeling guilty about my lack of spiritual committment, the pastor from the church we found this summer asked to take us to lunch. He proceeded to gently hint that we needed to not be so lame and go to church even when we are so busy. I totally agree.
I have, for about the first 22 years of my life, been the kind of person who goes to church 3 times a week. In college I actually looked forward to going to church so much that I would plan everything around it, classes, jobs, etc. I especially loved living on the same street as my church in my junior year. I would be taking a nap and just roll out of bed and go to church, sometimes in my pjs (on Wed. nights only :). No one judged me for this (out loud). I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I was closer to my church family than anyone else other than my actual family. When I had tough times, they were there for me, supporting to me, listening to me, and I loved encouraging them too. I taught Sunday School and grew to love the little kids. I held the babies every week and loved them too. I felt like I didn't need to be fake with them at all. When someone asked "how are you?", I gave an honest answer and expected the same in return. We didn't feel weird asking personal questions, like "Are you going to have children?"
Now I'm just not sure what happened. Somewhere along with all of the changes that have occurred in the past two years I lost that family. Moving, marriage, graduation, going to law school. Everything hit me at once and now I don't even recognize myself. I'm 50 lbs heavier, I own a kitchenaid, and I haven't heard the Lord's calling in almost 2 years. I know I need to get out of this rut, but I'm not sure how. All I can do is take one little step at a time. Taking a vitamin might not seem very important to someone looking in, but from here it seems like one of the few steps I can manage right now. Anything more and I would probably just give up altogether.
I realize now more than ever the importance of having routines. Routines are what allow us to accomplish important things without having to worry and obsess over the little things. Things like cleaning, making dinner, even getting dressed in a routine, forms a habit so you can do them all without having to devote precious mental energy to the mundane. For instance, when you gain weight and change sizes, every morning becomes a battle to find something to wear. It is not as simple as just buying clothes like the ones you had in a size up. Clothes that looked fine in a 12 might look terrible in a 14. The weight gain also means that my closet is packed with two sets of clothes, some that fit, and some that don't. This creates the stress of feeling disorganized, the stress and guilt of spending money on clothes that I shouldn't need. This in turn brings me to stressing about money, something over which at this point in my life I have almost no control over. The Devil uses this chain of stressful thoughts to completely ruin any chance I had of having a good day. Instead of focusing on the difficult mental tasks of the day, I'm stuck struggling with issues that I have no immediate control over. Of course when I try to take small steps in the right direction, like exercising that day, another voice says "you don't have time to waste exercising, you need to be studying!". So I study, and worry about my weight, and about money.
So enough complaining. I will focus on my goals one at a time. My goals will be small and manageable, and I will not worry about the larger problem when I am doing my best to chip away at it with smaller steps. That is all I can do. This week I will go to church. I don't have to find a best friend, or be invited to everyone's house for lunch, or asked to teach Sunday school. I will just show up, and leave when the service is over. That is all that I can handle this week, so that's what I'll do.
But all this is behind me. I did not accomplish anything besides surviving law school. I did not finish any fun craft projects or develop any much needed good habits, so this year is all about personal improvement. I made a beautiful list of New Year's resolutions. I figured that it was way too overwhelming to conquer at once so I'm trying to use the flylady method (sort of) to handle one new habit at a time.
On the menu for Jan. has been to adjust to not taking birth control pills (successful) work on getting 8 hours of sleep (unsuccessful), take a multi-vitamin every day (successful), go to all of my classes (mostly successful), drink more water (working on it), and go to church regularly. The church step is more complicated than I thought. We found a great thriving church near where I worked this summer, but we found it sort of difficult to break in socially. Everyone was extremely friendly, but it is just hard when everyone else has known each other so long and you're just coming in. They stopped having a mid-week bible study for our age group, and after that we gave up. In 2009 we started going to the Wed. night service at the church that we went to in college. It is nice to see familiar faces, to hold the babies and kids that we know so well. The problems are that it takes almost an hour and a half to get there, and I'm not getting a whole lot from the teaching. While debating about these issues and sort of feeling guilty about my lack of spiritual committment, the pastor from the church we found this summer asked to take us to lunch. He proceeded to gently hint that we needed to not be so lame and go to church even when we are so busy. I totally agree.
I have, for about the first 22 years of my life, been the kind of person who goes to church 3 times a week. In college I actually looked forward to going to church so much that I would plan everything around it, classes, jobs, etc. I especially loved living on the same street as my church in my junior year. I would be taking a nap and just roll out of bed and go to church, sometimes in my pjs (on Wed. nights only :). No one judged me for this (out loud). I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I was closer to my church family than anyone else other than my actual family. When I had tough times, they were there for me, supporting to me, listening to me, and I loved encouraging them too. I taught Sunday School and grew to love the little kids. I held the babies every week and loved them too. I felt like I didn't need to be fake with them at all. When someone asked "how are you?", I gave an honest answer and expected the same in return. We didn't feel weird asking personal questions, like "Are you going to have children?"
Now I'm just not sure what happened. Somewhere along with all of the changes that have occurred in the past two years I lost that family. Moving, marriage, graduation, going to law school. Everything hit me at once and now I don't even recognize myself. I'm 50 lbs heavier, I own a kitchenaid, and I haven't heard the Lord's calling in almost 2 years. I know I need to get out of this rut, but I'm not sure how. All I can do is take one little step at a time. Taking a vitamin might not seem very important to someone looking in, but from here it seems like one of the few steps I can manage right now. Anything more and I would probably just give up altogether.
I realize now more than ever the importance of having routines. Routines are what allow us to accomplish important things without having to worry and obsess over the little things. Things like cleaning, making dinner, even getting dressed in a routine, forms a habit so you can do them all without having to devote precious mental energy to the mundane. For instance, when you gain weight and change sizes, every morning becomes a battle to find something to wear. It is not as simple as just buying clothes like the ones you had in a size up. Clothes that looked fine in a 12 might look terrible in a 14. The weight gain also means that my closet is packed with two sets of clothes, some that fit, and some that don't. This creates the stress of feeling disorganized, the stress and guilt of spending money on clothes that I shouldn't need. This in turn brings me to stressing about money, something over which at this point in my life I have almost no control over. The Devil uses this chain of stressful thoughts to completely ruin any chance I had of having a good day. Instead of focusing on the difficult mental tasks of the day, I'm stuck struggling with issues that I have no immediate control over. Of course when I try to take small steps in the right direction, like exercising that day, another voice says "you don't have time to waste exercising, you need to be studying!". So I study, and worry about my weight, and about money.
So enough complaining. I will focus on my goals one at a time. My goals will be small and manageable, and I will not worry about the larger problem when I am doing my best to chip away at it with smaller steps. That is all I can do. This week I will go to church. I don't have to find a best friend, or be invited to everyone's house for lunch, or asked to teach Sunday school. I will just show up, and leave when the service is over. That is all that I can handle this week, so that's what I'll do.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Young Startup
This is my first attempt at blogging, so forgive me if it takes a while for this to feel natural. I'm 23. I'm married (for over a year now) to my soul mate. I'm in law school, I just finished my first year and am working at a firm for the summer. I'm a Christian, born-again, Jesus-freak, whatever you want to call it. This makes me lonely at law school. I have lots of friends, but there are no other Christians in my section that I've met. This is hard because law school also makes it hard to participate in a church. I make it a rule not to bring up my beliefs with my friends, which is why I'm soooo happy when they ask about them.
Right now I'm trying to decide what to do with my life, because I could really care less about my career. For me, the law is just one way to get a job and make money so I can do the things I really enjoy. Those things are also less clear than they used to be, but mostly include spending time with my husband and my family, making great food and entertaining people, and doing anything creative with my hands, (sewing, building, painting, even writing I would take!)
I am trying very hard now to be grateful for all of the great things in my life, but I have to admit that I've been a bit depressed. My job does not leave me with any free time, which means I feel guilty about: not calling my friends back, not cleaning my apartment, making my husband do laundry, dishes, and food prep when his job is also hard, not working out/planning healthy meals, not visiting my Mom-Dad-Sister-Brotherinlaw when I know they miss me, not working extra hours to pay off Debt, not going to church, not helping anyone else.
I guess this blog is sort of my attempt to put down all of this so I don't have to carry it around anymore. Perhaps if anyone has a suggestion about multi-tasking? I don't know, or possible careers for a lawyer that don't involve selling your soul to partners who are convinced of their infallibility for just enough money to qualify for a mortgage on a 2 B home for 1 million?
Right now I'm trying to decide what to do with my life, because I could really care less about my career. For me, the law is just one way to get a job and make money so I can do the things I really enjoy. Those things are also less clear than they used to be, but mostly include spending time with my husband and my family, making great food and entertaining people, and doing anything creative with my hands, (sewing, building, painting, even writing I would take!)
I am trying very hard now to be grateful for all of the great things in my life, but I have to admit that I've been a bit depressed. My job does not leave me with any free time, which means I feel guilty about: not calling my friends back, not cleaning my apartment, making my husband do laundry, dishes, and food prep when his job is also hard, not working out/planning healthy meals, not visiting my Mom-Dad-Sister-Brotherinlaw when I know they miss me, not working extra hours to pay off Debt, not going to church, not helping anyone else.
I guess this blog is sort of my attempt to put down all of this so I don't have to carry it around anymore. Perhaps if anyone has a suggestion about multi-tasking? I don't know, or possible careers for a lawyer that don't involve selling your soul to partners who are convinced of their infallibility for just enough money to qualify for a mortgage on a 2 B home for 1 million?
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