Luke 2

2 And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

² (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)
³ And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
⁴ And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)
⁵ To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
⁶ And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
⁷ And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
⁸ And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
⁹ And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
¹⁰ And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
¹¹ For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
¹² And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
¹³ And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
¹⁴ Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
¹⁵ And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.
¹⁶ And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.
¹⁷ And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.
¹⁸ And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.
¹⁹ But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.
²⁰ And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.
²¹ And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called Jesus, which was so named of the angel before he was conceived in the womb.
²² And when the days of her purification according to the law of Moses were accomplished, they brought him to Jerusalem, to present him to the Lord;
²³ (As it is written in the law of the Lord, Every male that openeth the womb shall be called holy to the Lord;)
²⁴ And to offer a sacrifice according to that which is said in the law of the Lord, A pair of turtledoves, or two young pigeons.
²⁵ And, behold, there was a man in Jerusalem, whose name was Simeon; and the same man was just and devout, waiting for the consolation of Israel: and the Holy Ghost was upon him.
²⁶ And it was revealed unto him by the Holy Ghost, that he should not see death, before he had seen the Lord's Christ.
²⁷ And he came by the Spirit into the temple: and when the parents brought in the child Jesus, to do for him after the custom of the law,
²⁸ Then took he him up in his arms, and blessed God, and said,
²⁹ Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word:
³⁰ For mine eyes have seen thy salvation,
³¹ Which thou hast prepared before the face of all people;
³² A light to lighten the Gentiles, and the glory of thy people Israel.
³³ And Joseph and his mother marvelled at those things which were spoken of him.
³⁴ And Simeon blessed them, and said unto Mary his mother, Behold, this child is set for the fall and rising again of many in Israel; and for a sign which shall be spoken against;
³⁵ (Yea, a sword shall pierce through thy own soul also,) that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.
³⁶ And there was one Anna, a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Aser: she was of a great age, and had lived with an husband seven years from her virginity;
³⁷ And she was a widow of about fourscore and four years, which departed not from the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day.
³⁸ And she coming in that instant gave thanks likewise unto the Lord, and spake of him to all them that looked for redemption in Jerusalem.
³⁹ And when they had performed all things according to the law of the Lord, they returned into Galilee, to their own city Nazareth.
⁴⁰ And the child grew, and waxed strong in spirit, filled with wisdom: and the grace of God was upon him.

Organized.

This has been the mantra ruling my every free second since sometime last year. Getting the clothes organized, the closets organized, the finances organized. Organizing the grocery list, the library books, the social calendar, the traveling details. Saving receipts, clipping coupons, sending out bills.

Always in front of me there is this vision of my life completely organized. I sit at my cleared off kitchen table, drinking home-brewed iced tea, wearing clothes that fit well on the body I got from working out every day while my kids take synchronized naps, while the healthy made-from-scratch dinner bakes in the oven. All the projects are done, every inch of the house painted, swept, disinfected, steam-cleaned, pressed. I type the correct number of words allotted for that day, moving forward in a perfectly straight line toward the ultimate goal of my completed book.

I never spend more than I have to, I never waste time with indecision, never turn back once I've gone down a road, because I always choose the right road the first time. My hair is cut and my nails are polished and I remember everything I'm supposed to do this weekend.

Then the vision fades, and I am appalled by this person living in my house, this flighty, unfocused person who wanders the apartment retrieving socks and scribbling lines of plot onto old envelopes. The person who changes main characters and voice mid-novel. The person who, after feeling nauseous and tired for a couple of days, begins to agonize over the dreaded possibility of an unlooked-for pregnancy, and then, in the same day prays sincerely but futilely for the second line to appear, because salvation lies in the second line. She goes to the store in desperate need and then wanders around trying to remember why she came.

This person is unrecognizable to me, because inside I am a little girl who went to fairs and guessed the number of marbles in the jar, and put my name in hats, and never worried that I wouldn't win - such a thought was inconceivable! I always won. I believed in my own worthiness the way I believed in the infallibility of my family, the way I am tempted now to view the perfection of my children.

I am, in short, so disorganized that I'm not sure now whether the Good Things are a result of some hidden wealth of potential, or that self-centered, entitled bravado, or, most likely, the gifts of a benevolent God who pities my naivety. It is said, God won't give you more than you can handle, and I must be weak indeed for the charmed life I've led.

At the end of the year now, as I make lists and check off boxes and count the cutlery, I am determined to put aside these things sometimes, to stop and think about something deeper, more mysterious than the perfection I crave.

My friend died recently, an old friend. She did not go to the gym; she didn't wear makeup. The wallpaper in her hallway was torn and only some of her children are doctors and professors, only some are married :) She had things in order. Before she got sick, I decided to let go of some of the clutter, ever pursuing that simplified life. I threw out close to 27 birthday cards from this friend. Year after year, she'd taken the time to send me a card. Sometimes she wrote out a verse in her neat little script, sometimes a five or ten dollar bill would fall from the card, neatly folded in two by her honest hands. She never flattered, but sincerely encouraged, using all she had she pushed grace and kindness outward and it rained down on everyone she knew.

I know when I think of my friend, that no amount of planning and working can make me into a woman like her. There is no time to wait until all the dishes are done to develop spiritually. I know I need to invite others into my home even if my ego won't be stroked by them complimenting it. I know I need to go to parties and showers and dinners even though I feel like hiding my disorganized self away in the dark. It is time, my friends, to get the priorities straight.

Sandy Claws

We are fine, first of all. We were evacuated from our home on Monday and drove through the beginnings of the storm to Pennsylvania where we've been until now. My sister's family and my parents went back Tuesday to assess the damage to the house. We had about 4-5 ft. of water in the basement. (The basement where Greg and I stored all our stuff :(  )

Luckily we had just unpacked a ton of boxes so the damage was not as bad as it could have been. The loss of our stuff is not so much about money, or the stuff itself, but sort of what it represented to me. Greg is almost happy, to him having too much is just a burden. But for me, a little stockpile is a security blanket; one that has been swiftly ripped away.

It turns out we have renter's insurance. We will easily reach the limit. I'm making a list of our belongings and what it would cost to replace them, but I know that if we get any money it will just go toward paying off debt. It's not the worst trade off really.

These days in the hotel have been odd. I can't sleep with worrying about our friends back in NJ, although it seems now that everyone is ok, at least physically. I want desperately to work at something, to clean, to fix, to prepare. But I also know that I can't bring my kids back to a house that's full of sewage. I want to pretend like we're just on vacation, that everything is fine; but I also feel guilty that we are clean, warm, and fed, when others are in such bad situations.

The plan is to go back tomorrow. We will see.

Still Alive

We are insanely busy. We get colds about every other week. We are becoming members of the church we've been attending for about three years. We are starting a new couples small group closer to where we live. We do preschool every morning, and have learned about Adam and Eve, Noah, and Joseph.

I have done about 100 house projects, Greg has done 100 more, and together we have 100 left. More or less. I have started to work from home more. I love making money :) I feel insecure about my house and my clothes sometimes, and confident most of the time. I am on a diet, but not too strict because I am still EBing Stella, with a little solid food for good measure. I am planning a birthday party for Henry, and sewing my kids Halloween costumes they will be embarrassed by later, and trying to find the time to have their pictures taken, and planning our trip away for Henry's real birthday, and making Christmas gifts, and planning our Thanksgiving road trip.

Greg is faithful, strong, honest, persevering, loving, gentle, kind, patient, and good. Greg is obsessed with his favorite board game and wants to play whenever I'm willing. Greg takes me shopping and entertains the kids while I walk around a store alone when I really need a break from life. Greg is the giver of baths, the reader of bed-time stories, and the sender of texts to our friends. Greg tries to believe the best of people. Greg eats peanut butter out of the jar.

Henry is sweet, and smart, and brave. Henry climbs over each pew at church, then runs to the front to start over again. Henry reads small words, but only when he wants to. Henry's response to the story of the Fall of Man was, "Ok! let's get some fruit snacks!" Henry talks to himself. Henry sits in the bath for an hour if you let him. Henry is always sweet to his sister. Henry is sick often. Henry eats peanut butter from the jar.

Stella is the light of my life. She makes me smile even as I'm being woken up in the dead of night. Stella very rarely cries. Stella is very rarely sick. Stella eats apples and carrots and bananas and oatmeal, usually with her Daddy. Stella says Muh-muh-muh-muh and it makes me feel important. Stella is beautiful.

God gave me babies to love, a house to clean, full of clothes to wash and food to cook, a husband to argue with and a family to love me unconditionally. God gave us work to do. God gave me the desire to write and the will to do it, even if it's only a paragraph a week.


God is nearer. God is ready. God is doing something big. And small at the same time.

N0-Spend Month Update

Bottom line: We spent money. But not as much as we would have.

We didn't eat out except once when we were unexpectedly forced to be away from home, and we scrounged up some coupons and managed to stay under $10 that time.

I bought some stuff to make my niece's birthday invites, since I'd promised to do that before I thought of being cheap for a month.

I also bought the kids bathing suits for next year on super clearance because its impossible/expensive to get them at the beginning of summer, and kids' bathing suits rarely make it intact to goodwill.

Greg got a haircut, and I payed the library fines.

All in all, we averaged about $300 a week for the first two weeks for groceries, gas, and miscellaneous expenses. Not as good as I was hoping, but not bad either. We didn't use credit cards for anything, and paid all of our bills in plenty of time. Not bad 10 months into a new business!

No-Spend Month

I've been looking at our finances again and trying to come up with new ways to shed debt and save for some important steps in our future. My original five year plan may need some extending, as my husband's business is still cyclical and gaining momentum. One month we are scraping by and the next he is being paid for months worth of work. It makes budgeting and planning difficult, and for right now, debt seems to be a part of our lives. In general, here are the steps I've been considering:

1. Lower Fixed Expenses. We've done this as much as humanly possible. We moved into a family owned house and pay no rent or utilities, even our internet is mooched and our cell phones are on the family plan. We sought out public health care options, and now use cheap doctors and clinics when necessary. We don't have cable or other monthly bills. We pay about $100 a month for car, renter's, and life insurance. We have Netflix which my whole family uses and costs about $9 a month. Other than insurance and Netflix, we spend money on gas and food, and have been eating out occasionally, going to the movies once in a while, bought some gifts, and took a couple of road trips this summer. I spend a small amount on the kids' toys and clothes, and of course there are occasional haircuts and pedicures :)

2. Face the Music. I added up everything. Every student loan, credit card, and other debt obligation. It was a lot. We have student loans from law school that are on a long-term repayment plan that is income-based and has a term limit of 25 years. Unless things change dramatically for the better (which would be great) we will probably end up paying only the principal on this loan, so it makes sense to avoid aggressively paying it off. Everything else added up to roughly 62K. This includes our car, my undergrad loans, loans we took out to cover bar expenses, and credit card debt we've acquired this year while Greg's practice was in the starting phase. (The credit card debt was all accumulated for emergency stuff like gas to get to court and health insurance premiums during the slow months.)

Once I had it all laid out in black and white with minimum payment info and interest rates, I made a plan for paying it off. Basically we'll pay 2K a month towards these obligations and have everything, including the car, paid off in less than 3 years. At that point we can ramp up our saving to invest in Greg's practice some more and eventually buy property.

3. Make More Money. Haha, easier said than done. But this has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I have a desire to contribute to our family financially, maybe just because it's been so long since I've had a paying job and I miss it. But the truth is that other than helping Greg out with some writing and editing work, I just don't have time for anything else worthwhile. Two babies are a ton of work and I'm not ready to delegate the childcare just yet.

Lately I've been trying to sneak in some writing time. I know I'm not spending enough time for this to bring in any money yet, but I feel like what I'm doing now will pay off eventually. I may be a one book every five years kind of writer, or maybe even a one book per lifetime writer, I'm not sure. In the past I've let my limited free time keep me from even trying. Lately I've been convicted to throw out my perfectionist tendencies and just do it, even if it's only 20 minutes here and there, even if it's ideas or words written on the backs of envelopes or receipts.

4. And finally, the point of this post... No Spend Month. You've probably heard of this. People take a break from consumerism for a short time and rely on what they have. You stop all discretionary spending for one month in order to reevaluate your spending habits and save a little. Some people just do this with groceries and "eat down" their pantries, using up all the food that would eventually go bad and be wasted. You still pay your bills but don't buy any more crap. I'm thinking this sounds awesome right about now. I'm psyched to try some crazy recipes with the random stuff in our kitchen, and to do projects around the house instead of shopping.

I haven't ok'd it with Greg yet but here are what I think the rules should be:
- set aside cash for next month's bills so we're not tempted to go out and blow a bunch of money as soon as the challenge is over
- have a limited amount of cash for things like gas, milk, and tp (although I do have some great pop fiction lying around, just sayin') this will probably be like $200 - $250
- try to use up stuff around the house and declutter (I'm already eyeing up the pantry and looking for stuff to give away/maybe sell?
- focus on things other than accumulation of stuff. This might mean I'll need a pinterest break, I'm not sure. I'm hoping the shopping break will allow us to do more fun cheap and free things together, and focus on improving ourselves instead of just adding clutter to the house.
- time frame. A month is what most people do, although I'd like start now and go until September 1st. if possible. I am planning on starting preschool with Henry in Sept, and might need some stuff for that, so maybe we'll try to stop the last week in Aug.

Wish me luck and I'll post updates with all of my free time!

Some Words

Stella is 2 months old, and beautiful.

We're trying to potty-train Henry.

I'm going to miss Rachel when she leaves.

I love these kids, but sometimes feel sad about the things I've given up.

I'm an introvert and that's not a character flaw.

God has been quietly calling my name while I've been making lists and doing chores.

I typed this post with one hand.

Some Thoughts Upon the Arrival of Our New Daughter

1. There's nothing quite like the feeling of lying on an operating table with doctors all around you and hearing a cry that sends shockwaves of relief through you, releasing all of the worries you were too afraid to articulate with anything other than silent, one-word prayers. Hearing "it's a girl" immediately after made up for all nine months of misery and all seven days of labor pains.

2. Being pregnant, having a C-section, and nursing an infant are completely different experiences when one is a law student than when one is a stay at home mom. I don't regret finishing school, but neither do I regret putting my career on hold to be home right now. Everything is easier and I feel about a hundred times more confident as a mom this time around.

3. Speaking of this time around, the second baby is so much easier. I'm not afraid she will break her neck, dehydrate because I'm not making enough milk, or spontaneously combust. They brought her to me in the recovery room so she could nurse. She latched on immediately and we've been inseparable since.

4. I thought Henry would freak out and be severely emotionally scarred by the birth of his sister. It turns out he ignores her 99% of the time and occasionally gives her a loving and gentle pat on the foot. "Baby Stella" gets talked about while he is playing with his toys, along with Henry, Mercy, and of course Lightning McQueen.

5. I'm still terrified about the prospect of raising a daughter, but I think with Greg's help we are up to the challenge.

7. I lost all of the pregnancy weight and maybe more. I'm glad that more weight gain is not a problem with this pregnancy, but I also know the journey I started before I got pregnant is not nearly over. Also the extremely quick weight loss the last couple of days was a little freaky and I'll be glad when I know what's going on with my body again.

6. Greg is sleeping. A lot. I think the last few weeks were difficult for him, maybe even more so than me. Waiting and waiting and worrying about your wife and baby for days and days on end can take a toll. I am not nearly as tired as I was when 9 months pregnant. Greg is perpetually exhausted.

7. I feel the urge to write now more than ever. Part of me wishes I could have finished a draft before Stella was born, just to be super productive. Looking at my two kids and thinking about paying the bills just makes the urge more urgent. :)

8. The baby. Is quieter than Henry was. When we brought him home we ended up putting him in his crib to sleep right away because he was just such a noisy sleeper. Stella sleeps with us all night, just moving around a little when she wants to eat. Right now she eats three or four times at night but I can usually sleep while she's eating and only really wake up to put her on and off or if she needs to be changed. Sometimes I wake Greg up to help me but I don't always need to.

She squeaks when she cries or when she has the hiccups, and we call her Squeaker or Pipsqueak.

She eats a lot. Like constantly. She is not on any sort of schedule yet, but she eats much longer than the 45 minutes that everyone says, then sleeps for 3 or 4 hours at a time during the day and night. She is starting to open her eyes more and look around, mostly at lights. I was holding her today and talking to her and I swear she looked at me and broke out into a huge smile. I thought I was going crazy because it's way to early for her to smile, but then my mom came down and was holding her and she did it again! She has a beautiful smile, even if it's really just gas :)

If I hold her upright on my shoulder she lifts and turns her head.

We go to her doctor tomorrow to see how much weight she's regained. We are also going to my doctor to get my staples removed. Even if everything feels the same, not having Frankenstein-esqe metal staples across my stomach will be nice.

9. I don't have some incredible surge of emotion or crazy "bond" like moms talk about having with their newborns. I didn't have it with Henry either. I'm just really really happy that we are safe and healthy and I'm trying to enjoy each day for what it is. It would be easy to wish away this time recovering from surgery, but I'm trying to remember that Stella will only be this tiny for a very short time. I can't believe she'll be a week old tomorrow!

Stella Robin Byrd

Born May 3rd, 2012

6lbs. 11oz.

19 inches

41 Weeks!

How far along? 41 according to my chart, but I'm thinking now that the due date was somewhere in between the 23rd and 30th, so maybe just a few days overdue.

Total weight gain/loss: 12 lbs.

Maternity clothes? Have one pair of maternity jeans that won't quit, then Greg's T-shirts and sweatshirts.

Sleep: Getting up all night to pee or with contractions, was able to take a nap most days this week. Today Greg is at work and so is everyone else so I'm not sure I'll get the chance.

Best moment this week: Peeling the painter's tape off of my new stripy bathroom. All newborns need stripy bathrooms, right?

Movement: Mostly late at night still, active but very very far down. Sometimes I worry this kid's head is getting squished down there.

Food cravings: Really just trying to eat enough to stay alive, otherwise not interested.

Gender: Now that I'm late I'm wondering if it could be a boy?

Labor Signs: Tons of contractions, some regular, some strong, never a real pattern for more than a couple of hours. So frustrating! At today's appointment Dr. said I was dilated one cm.

Belly Button in or out? Hanging in there.

What I miss: Getting calls or texts or facebook messages that said anything except: "Anything happening yet?"

What I am looking forward to: Knowing something for sure.

Weekly Wisdom: Patience is a virtue I am sadly lacking.

Milestones: Last OB appointment.

Stick a Fork in Me!

How far along? 40 Weeks.

Total weight gain/loss: 11.5 lbs.

Maternity clothes? Will burn them after baby comes.

Sleep:Woke up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night last night. Getting up like 5 times to pee. Surprisingly not that tired the next day. Poor Greg wakes up and asks if I'm in labor like every other time I'm up :)

Best moment this week: Every time Henry gave me a hug. He doesn't do it that much but he was sick and snuggly :)

Movement: Baby is definitely a night owl.

Food cravings: Not eating as much now, but did get some yummy hazlenut chocolate bars from IKEA that I've been scarfing.

Gender: Nervous they're going to slip and tell us during one of the hospital ultrasounds.

Labor Signs: Big disappointing nothing!

Belly Button in or out? Still in, but flat.

What I miss: My body. Focus. I feel like it's hard for me to concentrate on anything except when this baby is getting here.

What I am looking forward to: Drugs! No really, I'm hoping they drug me up for at least a little while so I can get some sleep not punctuated by peeing or checking to see if Henry is breaking out of the house.

Weekly Wisdom: Not feeling very wise this week, more hassled, haha.

Milestones: Officially overdue.

39 Weeks

How far along? 39 weeks and 2 days.

Total weight gain/loss: 11 lbs total since first OB app.

Maternity clothes? Wore the same barely adequate dress yesterday and today, ugh.

Sleep: Better, finally got the right formula of pillows and blankets. Except now it's hot, yuck.

Best moment this week: When Greg drove up in our new Dodge Grand Caravan! It's the first new car either of us has ever had. We were planning on waiting a couple of months to save up some more but our old Ford Taurus decided to break down now. It would cost more than a car payment to fix it, so we bit the bullet and got the new car a little early. It made sense too because we were planning on renting a van to get to South Carolina in June for Erin's wedding. The car buying process was a little annoying, but in the end we got a car that's perfect for our growing family. I can't wait to take this baby home in it!

Movement: Lots of movement at night still, with pressure.

Food cravings: Red apples, ice cream.

Gender: I found a box of Henry's boy newborn clothes and got them washed, so we'll probably have a girl!

Labor Signs: Last night we walked around the outlet mall for an hour and a half tried to get things going, but no luck :)

Belly Button in or out? Tummy still isn't super stretched out, Henry must have loosened everything up already.

What I miss: My body. I know it will be a while before I don't feel baby-ravaged, but I really just want to be able to walk without waddling and roll over in bed without assistance.

What I am looking forward to: I really want to see how Henry reacts to having a little brother or sister. I was kind of nervous that he would get really jealous or upset but now I think it will be more natural than that. He has been changing so much and getting more mature every day, I really think every day that goes by he will be better prepared.

Weekly Wisdom: When you make a to do list, don't forget to add something that will actually matter in the grand scheme of things!

Milestones: Doctor said he didn't think I'd make it to the next app. on Monday, but we'll see!

38 Weeks and Still Hanging in There!

How far along? 38 Weeks yesterday. According to the chart this is officially 9 months pregnant!

Total weight gain/loss: 8 lbs total since first OB app. They said baby gained 6 oz just this last week.

Maternity clothes? Nothing covers the belly anymore :(

Sleep: Actually a little better. I've only been getting up a couple of times to pee and I've got the pillow cocoon down to a science. It helps that we are sleeping in our old queen sized bed at our new apartment instead of the temporary full.

Best moment this week: It's actually happened a few times lately - some stranger will ask how far along I am. For some reason this makes me really happy. With Henry people were never quite sure if I was pregnant and no one wanted to ask and be wrong. This time it's obvious!

Movement: Active most often in the evening. I think we are going to have a night owl.

Food cravings: Red apples.

Gender: I just don't really care at this point. I'm so focused on getting the house ready and then making it through the VBAC that I've kind of stopped wondering what we are having. I am a little frustrated by not knowing which clothes to put away, but I figure the baby won't be too upset if it has the wrong color pajamas, right?

Labor Signs: Nothing really. Even the BH contractions have slowed down.

Belly Button in or out? My tummy is oddly looking not as tight as it was. Maybe the baby is already moving down? I haven't had any new stretch marks (knock on wood) and my skin doesn't itch or anything.

What I miss: My muscles or ligaments or tendons or whatever they may be working like they used to. The hormones have made everything floppy and I've become super clumsy lately. My hips are out of place, even my feet feel weird. With Henry everything tightened right back up as soon as I delivered, hoping for the same this time.

What I am looking forward to: Just holding the new baby. And seeing Greg with the new baby. Fatherhood is so sexy.

Weekly Wisdom: I only have a short amount of time with just Henry, so I'm trying to enjoy it, even though he's been a stinker lately!

Milestones: Really almost there!

36 Weeks!

How far along? 36 weeks 2 days, baby has started to measure the same way Henry did, with everything about a week behind and legs a couple of weeks ahead.

Total weight gain/loss: 6 lbs total since first OB app. Eating out a lot since we are in half-move limbo.

Maternity clothes? Maternity tanks no longer cover the belly. If I want full coverage it's got to be Greg's T-shirts.

Sleep: Rough. Getting up to pee an average of four times a night, and hips are out of joint so sleeping on my back even for a short time is out of the question. Luckily I pass out immediately after I get up!

Best moment this week: Folding up little ducky onesies in the baby's new nursery :) AND Dr. said uterine wall is plenty thick to try for a VBAC. I can still get an epidural and they can give me low doses of pitocin during labor to augment, they just can't fully induce before I go into labor by myself.

Movement: Head down so feeling everything high up near my ribs.

Food cravings: Can't eat very much because there's not much room. Actually craving something healthy because of all the take-out.

Gender: No clue. Guy on the street guessed boy.

Labor Signs: Some contractions every day but never regular or painful. Dr. said at Monday's app. that baby's head was very low.

Belly Button in or out? Actually looks less stretched out than before ???

What I miss: Energy. Moving while 8 months pregnant is rough.

What I am looking forward to: I'm dying to know how labor will go this time. I'm really looking forward to trying a vaginal birth.

Weekly Wisdom: Eventually, feeling like a beached whale outweighs all fear of labor pain!

Milestones: Just one week from being full-term!

What's happening

I'm too tired to write very much. We've been working day and night on our house to have it ready in time to be inspected on Wednesday. I've been scraping windows, caulking holes and painting trim for days. Greg's Dad and sister Rachel are coming to visit, probably getting here late tonight. We are still hoping to move this weekend! A week from tomorrow I see the doctor again, and he should be looking at my scar site (via ultrasound) to see if everything healed well enough for me to do a trial of labor (instead of a repeat C-section). I'm not really thinking about the fact that we are about to become a family of four, I'm just trying to survive this move. I swear the next time we move we are hiring movers. My computer was on the brink of not functioning anymore, and then Henry dropped it off of a table. While I was working at the house Greg took Henry out and came home with a Macbook Air! Normally I'd be stressed about spending so much, but honestly, I'm about to push out a baby and feel just the tiniest bit entitled. :)

Pregnancy Insanity

Call it nesting, pregnancy anxiety, or just plain maniacal behavior. For the past few weeks I've been obsessively cleaning, packing, doing projects for the new apartment, and driving everyone nuts with my OCD. I have to fold all the laundry a certain way, pre-wash all the dishes, re-do everything the cleaning lady did after she leaves, and vacuum like three times a day. Normally I'm just mildly panicked about the grossness of my house, but recently the constant toy explosion is really driving me up the wall. I packed all but Henry's very favorite toys and books because I couldn't keep up with all the cleaning and sorting and bending over to put stuff away.

At the same time I'm starting to get tired again, so I'll often go crazy organizing or cleaning for a few hours and then completely pass out on the couch while Henry watches Cinderella for the 500th time. It would be nice if we had a definite date for moving so I could plan ahead, but I'm not sure exactly which weekend it's going to be so I'm sort of stuck. As soon as I get my camera functioning I'll post pictures of the art I made for Henry/baby's room, Mercy's room, and the curtains I made for our new dining room!

30 Weeks!

How far along? 30 Weeks and baby is measuring right on target.

Total weight gain/loss: Gained more weight in the last two weeks, bringing me back to the weight I was at the first appointment. I'm a little nervous because I've got 10 weeks to go and now that I'm gaining I think it's going to pile on quick!

Maternity clothes? I can still wear most of the same stuff, but some of my tank tops are getting tight. My T-shirts don't really fit anymore so I borrow Greg's when I need to.

Sleep: Rough. Greg falls asleep in bed and then usually moves to the couch to give me some space at some point during the night.

Best moment this week: Adorable 3-D ultrasound pictures! Baby looks like Henry. Henry was at the appointment and when we asked who was in the picture he said "That's my little sister!" Wonder if he knows something we don't?

Movement: Kicking up a storm, except when someone else tries to feel :)

Food cravings: Ice cream, chocolate.

Gender: Starting to hope for a girl now. Up until a few weeks ago I really just wanted another boy. I guess my niece and I are getting closer and I'm starting to think a daughter wouldn't be so bad. At least for the first couple of years anyway :)

Labor Signs: Nothing.

Belly Button in or out? Just shallow.

What I miss: My grace. Haha, I've really been super graceful but I have definitely reached the point where I feel like a beached whale most of the time, and bending over or squatting down is getting a lot harder.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out if I have a son or a daughter!

Weekly Wisdom: You don't need to know what you're having to bond.

Milestones: 7 Month mark!

28 Weeks

How far along? Let's say 28 weeks, despite the previous confusion. Baby is measuring a little less, about 28th percentile.

Total weight gain/loss: Gained FIVE LBS this time! Crazy. So I'm still down 4 since the first app.

Maternity clothes? Same stuff, my T-shirts are tight so I'm conscripting Greg's.

Sleep: Greg spent the last 3 nights on the couch and it was wonderful!!! Never thought we'd resort to this but with me thrashing around trying to get comfortable and not having enough room and then getting up to pee every two hours both of us were starting to lose it from the sleep deprivation. Not sure if we'll keep it up or just take breaks to catch up on sleep.

Best moment this week: When I realized I made it the whole week without throwing up! Still nauseous sometimes but now I can eat regularly and I'm not expecting it every day. I didn't even throw up after the glucose screening!

Movement: Very active, and now I can usually tell what position the baby's in.

Food cravings: Chicken, Honey Bunches of Oats, Mexican food as always.

Gender: I'm thinking girl now. Just because I can't think of one name I like and I have like five perfectly good boy names.

Labor Signs: Contractions when I walk around a lot, but not serious.

Belly Button in or out? Still in.

What I miss: My energy. The ability to lift heavy objects (guilt free).

What I am looking forward to: This is not a baby thing necessarily, but I really can't wait for us to move. I want to nest big time!

Weekly Wisdom: While babies don't technically need lampshade covers on their ceiling lights that coordinate with original wall art, this is how mine will know it's loved :)

Milestones: Viability.

Sticking With It

It's been almost a month under our strict new budget, and things are going well. At first it seemed like we'd never be able to stick to our tiny, shiny new budget. Our car demanded (loudly) an oil change, Henry's feet demanded bigger shoes, and my family took us on vacation for the weekend, which meant traveling and food costs we didn't anticipate. We also found the double stroller we wanted on a clearance shelf, and figured getting it now would be useful since we can take Henry and my niece for walks (disaster, by the way).

On the plus side, Greg and Henry finally went on Medicaid, saving us about 1200 dollars a month. It feels crazy just to type that. Especially since, even with winter colds and ear infections, their actual health costs are probably around 2oo a month at the most. We're still paying for my insanely expensive insurance because we don't want to switch OBs this late in the game.

About half way through the month, I thought to myself, "this is never going to happen, we are going to have credit cards for years and not be able to save anything for our business, let alone a house someday." But then God is good. He provided the business and the money, and Greg made enough to cover our bills, our cash needs like groceries, and still have enough to pay down some debt. I still can't believe it. It's the first month that we've been able to do this since Greg started working for himself.

If this sounds worrisome, it's not. When we talked to others who have started their own practices we found out that it often takes a year or more to just break even. So making enough profit in month four to support us is just amazing. I'm not sure if things will continue this way, and I'm sure we will have ups and downs, it's just the nature of having your own business. But I know that whatever happens God will provide and I am just blown away by his faithfulness this month.

One awesome thing about making that long term plan: It's so much easier to stick with a budget and say no to small stuff when you have a plan. When I consider whether or not to eat out, the choice is no longer between something great and something lame. When I'm making food at home I'm picturing us four years from now, with a 6 year old and a 4 year old and who knows what else. We own an office building and a law practice, and we've just starting house hunting! It just makes the restaurant food a little less appealing I guess.

25/26 Weeks?

How far along? Sigh. I thought I knew. At my last OB app. (which should have been 24 weeks), the nurse said I was 25. I asked the doctor who looked back at the earliest measurements they had, and he said my due date was somewhere between April 23 and 30! I'm starting to wonder about the 500+ I shell out each month so I can go to a "good" doctor.

Total weight gain/loss: Down another lb., so -9 total.

(The doctor has me worried because baby's abdomen is measuring ten days behind the rest of him/her. I don't think it's a big deal to lose weight when you start out overweight, and from what I can gather online a small abdomen could just mean we have a genetically skinny kid (read: like Henry). Everything else was normal on the ultrasound so I'm hoping that's just it.)

Maternity clothes? We went on vacation this last weekend and I tried to go outlet shopping. Ugh. pregnant people should never see the light of day! I don't know, I think other pregnant people look adorable but I carry so low that maternity jeans either feel uncomfortable or just fall right off me. I ended up buying a couple of jumbo sweaters from Kmart...

Sleep: Terrible! I get up once or twice a night.

Best moment this week: Eating! We went to Lancaster for the weekend. It was my sister and brother-in-law's Christmas present to our family. I pigged out, and only threw up once on the trip. Hopefully this kid is getting some calories now.

Movement: Baby is very active, and I feel movement everywhere.

Food cravings: Rice with soy sauce, mmm... Also pineapple.

Gender: It was sad being at the outlets this weekend and staring at all the adorable pink and blue clothes on clearance racks. But the bottom line is I saved a ton by not knowing, and when the baby is born we'll have everything we need. Greg and I talked names during the car ride there, and we agree easily on boy names but neither of us really like any girl name.

Labor Signs: Contractions when I get dehydrated or cold or too active. Also sometimes randomly in the middle of the night. Dr. says cervix is fine so nothing to worry about :)

Belly Button in or out? In, my tummy is starting to look like a pillow with a button in the middle :)

What I miss: My waist.

What I am looking forward to: What I have been this whole time, a sleepy little face squished up under a pastel hat.

Weekly Wisdom: God will provide!

Milestones: Viability.

Resolved

Subtitled: Some Scattered Thoughts about Change

I recently sat down and made a five year financial plan for our little family. The budget was cut even though I thought it couldn't get any smaller, and a plan was made for how we want to spend our money for the next five years. I have to admit, it was scary to put those goals down on paper, goals that it seems others have no problem reaching and yet it will take so much sacrifice for us to get there.

I'm excited to move because I feel like we're living in limbo. But I'm worried too. I need autonomy to really thrive, and moving into the same house as my parents and sister seems like a recipe for regression. Most of the things I want to change about myself are more difficult with my family around. I find it hard to live my own life sometimes and I feel like I get sucked into their lives more often than I'd like. I find myself appreciating the two years that Greg and I lived in Newark more and more, not because I don't like my family, but because I like the person I am when I'm on my own.

I am afraid to make a resolution about these things, but these are the desires I have for the next few years:

I want my own spiritual life. Not the spiritual life that I see someone else have. I want to actually see a difference in myself because of the Holy Spirit, not just survive the day because of Him. Lately my prayers have been those of a child. Thank You. Praise You. And Please. Always please. Have mercy. Help me. Oh please, help me through. I want to pray the way I used to pray. For others, and for God's will. Earnestly, and with faith that my prayers will be answered.

I want to stop just getting through and actually living. I want to help someone else instead of always being the one to need help.

I want to write the story that God wants me to write, not the story that I think people want to hear.

I want to show my son how to worship God, how to learn, how to be healthy and how to love others. If everything else I do as a parent fails, I hope that God will take over and claim him anyway.

I want to be beautiful to my husband. I know he thinks I'm beautiful on the outside, however I or anyone else may feel about it. But I want to know that it's more than that. Sometimes I believe this, and sometimes I have doubts. There is so much of myself that I hide from him, and I want to finally be comfortable enough to express it all someday.

I want to give away whatever I have.