Halloween

Greg wanted us to be Mario and Princess Peach for Halloween this year. I made Henry a star costume to match.

Anisocial Behavior

We're having a Halloween party tomorrow and as of right now I'm thinking that only a few friends are going to show. It used to be that when we had a party I would invite ten people and twenty-five would show up. I guess it's that all of our single friends are out looking for dates and our married friends are all home with their kids, plus they all live at least 45 minutes away.

Yup.

It's definitely that and not that I refuse to answer my phone or leave my house. :)

100th Post - Let me be very honest

A lot has changed for me since starting this blog 2 years ago. In my self-description I said that I longed to be something more than the overworked law student that I was. In that list I mentioned that I wanted to be a mom and a novelist, among other things.

Now, 100 posts later I've finished law school and am living one of my dreams. Henry will be a year old in November, and because of my awesomely supportive husband, I am staying home with him this year. Not only am I a mom, I've also been using my few scattered hours of free time to work on the novel that's been in my head for almost 10 years. Getting these words out feels so right to me. I know that writing is a part of who I am, and to finally be able to fulfill that is just so amazing, I can't even describe it.

But even though my days are full, I can't help but feel like there is something important missing. Maybe I'm just starting to miss the person I was before law school, before I met my husband. I miss that independent girl who went to Russia not knowing a soul (or 10 words in Russian). I miss the girl who pulled teeth in a Bolivian village until the sun went down and she couldn't see anymore. I miss the girl who didn't worry about nickels and dimes, even though she was broke. I miss the girl who didn't care about having a boyfriend because her life was so full that she didn't have time to date. I miss the girl who cried when she prayed, and who was amazed when her prayers were answered again and again. I miss this girl.

And now I feel like my life is so much better in so many ways. I have a husband who loves me, a beautiful son who wakes up every day full of joy, more money than I ever had in college. Yet I feel sometimes that the things I do everyday, the way I occupy my hours can seem so meaningless. There is a great big world out there and I stay in my little house, mopping my little floors, washing our little loads of dirty clothes. I feel codependent on Greg, I can't imagine us spending more than a couple of days apart. But more than that, I feel like my thoughts, the things I say to him just aren't a surprise anymore. I've become a cliche.

I'm in a rut. A very comfortable rut. A fun rut, even. I enjoy playing with Henry, planning our little social calendar, buying the groceries, paying the bills, making the plans. But I know there is more to life than this. And so I am about to do something very scary. Something I've only done once before.

I'm going to pray that God helps me grow. The last time I did this I was broken down to nothing. Everything I had, every support system was taken away from me and I was all alone. While this was one of the lowest times in my life, it was also how I was able to become the woman I am today. I still miss that girl that I used to be, but I would never want to be like her, not in a million years. Today I am so much stronger and smarter than that girl, because of what God did. Because it was when I was all alone, crying by myself in a strange place with no one, nothing left to cling to - that I heard that steady promise.

"I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU, NOR FORSAKE YOU"

At that moment I knew that no matter what happened, however down I was, I would never be alone. The whole world could be against me, I could lose everything, and still He would never leave me or forsake me.

And I want to live my life under the shadow of that truth. Not to chafe under the guilty compulsion to appear spiritual. I want to trust that my God will provide for me, as He always has, without feeling like it's my personal duty to worry about every worse-case scenario. I want to be free to think in terms of eternity, not just according to my weekly budget. I want to do the job of mother and wife without feeling defined by those jobs. In short, I want something deeper.

Since one of my secret desires (becoming a mother) was fulfilled after writing about it here, I figure it can't hurt to just say it. I want to get to the next level. I want to be mature and complete, lacking nothing. I want the confidence that that girl had, but a wise confidence. I want to give more than I take from the world. I want to be prepared for the worst, but hopeful for the best at the same time. Most of all, I want to hop up out of this rut and be positive for once.

One hundred posts from now, I want to see a change.

Party Planning

I don't know why, it must be a stay-at-home mom thing. But I am obsessed with party planning. After my sister's enormous baby shower I can't wait to go back to our relatively simple house parties. I'm having a Halloween party on the 30th, mostly for my single/no kids friends.
Then Nov. 13th is Henry's first birthday party. I wanted to keep it really low key since babies usually get peeved by lots of loud people in their houses, but the list is already growing and the more I plan the crazier it gets. I drew the line at live party entertainment for the kids, because honestly, I don't think another body will fit in our house. It's going to be a Sesame Street party and I just finished up the invitations tonight.
After that I'll probably do something for Christmas, and we haven't even set a date for my friend's bridal shower (wedding is Dec. 18th).
While all these parties are fun, I am glad that we'll be going away for New Years. It may be too much of a good thing!

Novel Update

Almost done with the first two chapters. It's difficult because I keep wanting to go back and just fix them instead of moving on. I also have a pretty solid outline of the rest of the book.

Writing has been slow because Henry has been sick - in other words, up crying when he should be sleeping and when I should be writing. Luckily Greg has Columbus day off so I've had a chance to write for a while today. I'm confident that I can do this. I just have to psych myself up for it.

My goal is to have a first draft by the end of February. According to my outline, that's about 4-5 chapters a month, or one a week. Pretty stiff pace! But since I know what I want to write I think it's a reasonable goal.

Fall/Newborn Pictures

Two babies + two outfits each = chaos at the photo place.






I made the tutu in about 20 minutes with some ribbon, a spool of brown wedding tulle, and a giant fake mum.


We grabbed Henry's outfit from Old Navy on the way there. It was a lot cuter with the hood, but he refused to keep it on. Kind of a trend with him lately. Hats, shoes, socks, pants - it all comes off as soon as he gets the chance.