Feeling Some Yuppy Envy

We had lunch with some friends from church last week. We met some new people, mostly couples with kids Henry's age, and generally had a really fun time getting out of the house and socializing. I felt like I could be myself, not because everyone in the party was just like me, but because I'm at a point in my life where I just don't care about blending in, maybe I never really have. It's more important to me now to be honest, to be vulnerable, to put it out there and make real connections with people instead of just propagating more small talk.

Yet while the differences in our personalities didn't bother me, I have to say that as a parent, there were other differences that left me thinking. I was younger and poorer than everyone else there, probably a lot poorer. But our kids will go to college at the same time. I don't usually feel envious of people's stuff or money, but in this case the experience left me wondering. Will Henry have the same opportunities that these older, more established people's kids will? Can I afford to give my kids violin lessons and take them to museums in the city and send them to whatever school is best?

This month as I've packed up my wedding china. I packed up my Chaucer and my Shakespeare. I packed up everything in our house that we don't absolutely need in the next four months. In some ways, I know that this experiment in voluntary frugality will be a good thing for us. I'm hoping at the end to look at some of the treasures I put away and say, "You know what, we really don't need this." But it is also hard. It's hard because part of me feels like we will never go back to a life of grace and ease, of eating out when we wanted, of buying books and music and beautiful things, of traveling and not worrying all the time about the costs of things. Maybe that time is long gone, or maybe it never really was.

There are so many problems I would love to have right now. Pets and interior decorating and deciding whether or not to use the traditional or modern themes when choosing an anniversary gift. All I realistically want right now is to afford our health insurance for another 200 days so that a good doctor can deliver our baby. Maybe this is in and of itself a decadent third world problem. I don't know.

All I know is that I'm thinking more often about neat white fences and backyard pools, about operas and paint chips, book clubs and buying sandwiches that someone else has made. But also I'm wondering, what are the millionaires fantasizing about?