Old Friends

I went to a bridal shower today and ran into some old friends I hadn't spoken to since middle school. It was interesting, once I got past the initial small talk, to look at them and try to answer the questions.

The questions, however they were actually phrased, were these: "Who are you? What have you done with what you had all those years ago? How did you grow up? What did you care about enough to work for?"

In some ways the answer was easy. I wasn't embarrassed to say I was happily married, with a beautiful baby boy. That I had just finished law school and was studying for the bar. But part of me was disappointed. I thought back to how I was back then, so hopeful, so sure that everything I wanted would work out. I talked to a friend who had always shared my love of literature and dream of one day becoming a writer. (I say "becoming" a writer to mean writing full time. I still maintain that you are a writer if you write, published or not).

For a number of reasons, this dream has always been put on the back-burner for me. I didn't have time, I didn't have experience, I couldn't afford it. And now, with school over and the end in sight (the end of constant studying, that is), many of those excuses will be stripped away, and the deeper reasons will be all that is left. These are that I am insecure, that I am afraid of being judged, that I am afraid that I will never be able to express what I have to say.

One of the hardest parts about writing is that the more you do it the more you find to criticize about yourself. This can be good, but it can also be so hard. The tough part is not the ideas; the inspiration. I can honestly say I've never had writer's block. The tricky part is the labor. The organization, the editing, the nitty gritty toothbrush-scrubbing work of fixing individual sentences. Basically, it's hard work.

But it's also familiar and comforting. It's one of the only things that I feel like I was born to do. And when I do get an hour to write, it's like coming home, or like catching up with an old friend.