An empty place...

When are you going to have another one?

I get asked this quite a bit and I guess it makes sense. Henry is almost 18 months, a lot of people like to space their kids about two years apart. I'm home right now anyway, and it would make sense to get through the worst of the pregnancy blahs before I start working more hours.

So what do I say in response? I usually laugh and say something like, "Oh, one is more than I can handle right now." Or if it's someone close who wants to know I just say maybe. Or it's up to God.

The truth is . . . I'm not sure it's going to happen. I'm waiting on blood tests from my OB to find out why it's been 16 months of no birth control, no nursing, and no babies. Why I go for three months with nothing, and then get hit with 6 weeks of bleeding.

This never happened to me before. I was always right on schedule, almost to the hour. To get pregnant with Henry it only took one time. One time. Like I didn't even have to guess when calculating the due date. Right now I just physically feel like crap and I really have no idea why. I don't even want to think about what I might read in the parade of horribles if I try googling it.

And I don't really want to complain about it to anyone, because, well, I have a baby. And a baby that I got without really trying. I almost feel like being sad about my fertility troubles is just such an ungrateful attitude to have.

I have one beautiful son who fills every day of my life with ever increasing joy and wonder. So why do I feel like something's missing? I'm not desperate, I'm not up crying about it. I don't think that my life will never be complete without another child or anything like that. But when I see big families, when I see siblings together, even when I'm with my own sister, I just feel a little pull.

As busy as I am, as much as I sometimes get tired taking care of just one, as tiny as my house is, and as full as my heart is with love for my family, when I look at my life I can't help feeling like there is an empty space. Like there is room for one more...