Resolved

Subtitled: Some Scattered Thoughts about Change

I recently sat down and made a five year financial plan for our little family. The budget was cut even though I thought it couldn't get any smaller, and a plan was made for how we want to spend our money for the next five years. I have to admit, it was scary to put those goals down on paper, goals that it seems others have no problem reaching and yet it will take so much sacrifice for us to get there.

I'm excited to move because I feel like we're living in limbo. But I'm worried too. I need autonomy to really thrive, and moving into the same house as my parents and sister seems like a recipe for regression. Most of the things I want to change about myself are more difficult with my family around. I find it hard to live my own life sometimes and I feel like I get sucked into their lives more often than I'd like. I find myself appreciating the two years that Greg and I lived in Newark more and more, not because I don't like my family, but because I like the person I am when I'm on my own.

I am afraid to make a resolution about these things, but these are the desires I have for the next few years:

I want my own spiritual life. Not the spiritual life that I see someone else have. I want to actually see a difference in myself because of the Holy Spirit, not just survive the day because of Him. Lately my prayers have been those of a child. Thank You. Praise You. And Please. Always please. Have mercy. Help me. Oh please, help me through. I want to pray the way I used to pray. For others, and for God's will. Earnestly, and with faith that my prayers will be answered.

I want to stop just getting through and actually living. I want to help someone else instead of always being the one to need help.

I want to write the story that God wants me to write, not the story that I think people want to hear.

I want to show my son how to worship God, how to learn, how to be healthy and how to love others. If everything else I do as a parent fails, I hope that God will take over and claim him anyway.

I want to be beautiful to my husband. I know he thinks I'm beautiful on the outside, however I or anyone else may feel about it. But I want to know that it's more than that. Sometimes I believe this, and sometimes I have doubts. There is so much of myself that I hide from him, and I want to finally be comfortable enough to express it all someday.

I want to give away whatever I have.