100th Post - Let me be very honest

A lot has changed for me since starting this blog 2 years ago. In my self-description I said that I longed to be something more than the overworked law student that I was. In that list I mentioned that I wanted to be a mom and a novelist, among other things.

Now, 100 posts later I've finished law school and am living one of my dreams. Henry will be a year old in November, and because of my awesomely supportive husband, I am staying home with him this year. Not only am I a mom, I've also been using my few scattered hours of free time to work on the novel that's been in my head for almost 10 years. Getting these words out feels so right to me. I know that writing is a part of who I am, and to finally be able to fulfill that is just so amazing, I can't even describe it.

But even though my days are full, I can't help but feel like there is something important missing. Maybe I'm just starting to miss the person I was before law school, before I met my husband. I miss that independent girl who went to Russia not knowing a soul (or 10 words in Russian). I miss the girl who pulled teeth in a Bolivian village until the sun went down and she couldn't see anymore. I miss the girl who didn't worry about nickels and dimes, even though she was broke. I miss the girl who didn't care about having a boyfriend because her life was so full that she didn't have time to date. I miss the girl who cried when she prayed, and who was amazed when her prayers were answered again and again. I miss this girl.

And now I feel like my life is so much better in so many ways. I have a husband who loves me, a beautiful son who wakes up every day full of joy, more money than I ever had in college. Yet I feel sometimes that the things I do everyday, the way I occupy my hours can seem so meaningless. There is a great big world out there and I stay in my little house, mopping my little floors, washing our little loads of dirty clothes. I feel codependent on Greg, I can't imagine us spending more than a couple of days apart. But more than that, I feel like my thoughts, the things I say to him just aren't a surprise anymore. I've become a cliche.

I'm in a rut. A very comfortable rut. A fun rut, even. I enjoy playing with Henry, planning our little social calendar, buying the groceries, paying the bills, making the plans. But I know there is more to life than this. And so I am about to do something very scary. Something I've only done once before.

I'm going to pray that God helps me grow. The last time I did this I was broken down to nothing. Everything I had, every support system was taken away from me and I was all alone. While this was one of the lowest times in my life, it was also how I was able to become the woman I am today. I still miss that girl that I used to be, but I would never want to be like her, not in a million years. Today I am so much stronger and smarter than that girl, because of what God did. Because it was when I was all alone, crying by myself in a strange place with no one, nothing left to cling to - that I heard that steady promise.

"I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU, NOR FORSAKE YOU"

At that moment I knew that no matter what happened, however down I was, I would never be alone. The whole world could be against me, I could lose everything, and still He would never leave me or forsake me.

And I want to live my life under the shadow of that truth. Not to chafe under the guilty compulsion to appear spiritual. I want to trust that my God will provide for me, as He always has, without feeling like it's my personal duty to worry about every worse-case scenario. I want to be free to think in terms of eternity, not just according to my weekly budget. I want to do the job of mother and wife without feeling defined by those jobs. In short, I want something deeper.

Since one of my secret desires (becoming a mother) was fulfilled after writing about it here, I figure it can't hurt to just say it. I want to get to the next level. I want to be mature and complete, lacking nothing. I want the confidence that that girl had, but a wise confidence. I want to give more than I take from the world. I want to be prepared for the worst, but hopeful for the best at the same time. Most of all, I want to hop up out of this rut and be positive for once.

One hundred posts from now, I want to see a change.