If you had asked me at 18 what I thought the next ten years would have in store for me, I would have anticipated:
living in NYC
authoring several books
traveling to many new places
having lots of friends who were very different from me
becoming a professor
maybe finding a boyfriend that I could stand to be around
looking to make an impact on the world through my professional career
Instead I am:
living with my family in the town where I grew up
done with traveling for the near future
friends with other moms who are a lot like me
a lawyer
spending every day with the husband I adore
looking to impact the world by educating my children and living my life for Jesus
While most of us view 30 as the milestone age, I feel that today, marking 10 years into my adulthood, is as good a time as any to look back, to assess. Yesterday I pulled out a devotional book that I had started (and lost) as a teenager. I realized as I read through the verses that while the years have passed and I've accomplished some things, my spiritual life has been crawling along at a snail's pace. A few pages into the devotional was a pledge, unsigned by me, to commit to daily devotions for 10 weeks. I couldn't help but wonder if I would be different today if I had stuck with that Sunday school class, if I had made that commitment.
I do pray daily, but still read the Bible sporadically. Part of me (the prideful part) says go buy a devotional for adults, you've been a Christian almost your whole life, you don't need this kids' book. But deep down, I know that I'm just a baby, and that many of us are just babies in Christ. I don't know Jesus the way I want to. I've decided to finish this book, and to commit to daily devotions for the next 10 weeks. Hopefully I will be starting a habit that will continue long after the book is finished.
If anyone else wants to check it out, this is the little devotional book I'm talking about: Spending Time Alone with God It's written for middle/high school and it's simple but solid.
Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
100th Post - Let me be very honest
A lot has changed for me since starting this blog 2 years ago. In my self-description I said that I longed to be something more than the overworked law student that I was. In that list I mentioned that I wanted to be a mom and a novelist, among other things.
Now, 100 posts later I've finished law school and am living one of my dreams. Henry will be a year old in November, and because of my awesomely supportive husband, I am staying home with him this year. Not only am I a mom, I've also been using my few scattered hours of free time to work on the novel that's been in my head for almost 10 years. Getting these words out feels so right to me. I know that writing is a part of who I am, and to finally be able to fulfill that is just so amazing, I can't even describe it.
But even though my days are full, I can't help but feel like there is something important missing. Maybe I'm just starting to miss the person I was before law school, before I met my husband. I miss that independent girl who went to Russia not knowing a soul (or 10 words in Russian). I miss the girl who pulled teeth in a Bolivian village until the sun went down and she couldn't see anymore. I miss the girl who didn't worry about nickels and dimes, even though she was broke. I miss the girl who didn't care about having a boyfriend because her life was so full that she didn't have time to date. I miss the girl who cried when she prayed, and who was amazed when her prayers were answered again and again. I miss this girl.
And now I feel like my life is so much better in so many ways. I have a husband who loves me, a beautiful son who wakes up every day full of joy, more money than I ever had in college. Yet I feel sometimes that the things I do everyday, the way I occupy my hours can seem so meaningless. There is a great big world out there and I stay in my little house, mopping my little floors, washing our little loads of dirty clothes. I feel codependent on Greg, I can't imagine us spending more than a couple of days apart. But more than that, I feel like my thoughts, the things I say to him just aren't a surprise anymore. I've become a cliche.
I'm in a rut. A very comfortable rut. A fun rut, even. I enjoy playing with Henry, planning our little social calendar, buying the groceries, paying the bills, making the plans. But I know there is more to life than this. And so I am about to do something very scary. Something I've only done once before.
I'm going to pray that God helps me grow. The last time I did this I was broken down to nothing. Everything I had, every support system was taken away from me and I was all alone. While this was one of the lowest times in my life, it was also how I was able to become the woman I am today. I still miss that girl that I used to be, but I would never want to be like her, not in a million years. Today I am so much stronger and smarter than that girl, because of what God did. Because it was when I was all alone, crying by myself in a strange place with no one, nothing left to cling to - that I heard that steady promise.
"I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU, NOR FORSAKE YOU"
At that moment I knew that no matter what happened, however down I was, I would never be alone. The whole world could be against me, I could lose everything, and still He would never leave me or forsake me.
And I want to live my life under the shadow of that truth. Not to chafe under the guilty compulsion to appear spiritual. I want to trust that my God will provide for me, as He always has, without feeling like it's my personal duty to worry about every worse-case scenario. I want to be free to think in terms of eternity, not just according to my weekly budget. I want to do the job of mother and wife without feeling defined by those jobs. In short, I want something deeper.
Since one of my secret desires (becoming a mother) was fulfilled after writing about it here, I figure it can't hurt to just say it. I want to get to the next level. I want to be mature and complete, lacking nothing. I want the confidence that that girl had, but a wise confidence. I want to give more than I take from the world. I want to be prepared for the worst, but hopeful for the best at the same time. Most of all, I want to hop up out of this rut and be positive for once.
One hundred posts from now, I want to see a change.
Now, 100 posts later I've finished law school and am living one of my dreams. Henry will be a year old in November, and because of my awesomely supportive husband, I am staying home with him this year. Not only am I a mom, I've also been using my few scattered hours of free time to work on the novel that's been in my head for almost 10 years. Getting these words out feels so right to me. I know that writing is a part of who I am, and to finally be able to fulfill that is just so amazing, I can't even describe it.
But even though my days are full, I can't help but feel like there is something important missing. Maybe I'm just starting to miss the person I was before law school, before I met my husband. I miss that independent girl who went to Russia not knowing a soul (or 10 words in Russian). I miss the girl who pulled teeth in a Bolivian village until the sun went down and she couldn't see anymore. I miss the girl who didn't worry about nickels and dimes, even though she was broke. I miss the girl who didn't care about having a boyfriend because her life was so full that she didn't have time to date. I miss the girl who cried when she prayed, and who was amazed when her prayers were answered again and again. I miss this girl.
And now I feel like my life is so much better in so many ways. I have a husband who loves me, a beautiful son who wakes up every day full of joy, more money than I ever had in college. Yet I feel sometimes that the things I do everyday, the way I occupy my hours can seem so meaningless. There is a great big world out there and I stay in my little house, mopping my little floors, washing our little loads of dirty clothes. I feel codependent on Greg, I can't imagine us spending more than a couple of days apart. But more than that, I feel like my thoughts, the things I say to him just aren't a surprise anymore. I've become a cliche.
I'm in a rut. A very comfortable rut. A fun rut, even. I enjoy playing with Henry, planning our little social calendar, buying the groceries, paying the bills, making the plans. But I know there is more to life than this. And so I am about to do something very scary. Something I've only done once before.
I'm going to pray that God helps me grow. The last time I did this I was broken down to nothing. Everything I had, every support system was taken away from me and I was all alone. While this was one of the lowest times in my life, it was also how I was able to become the woman I am today. I still miss that girl that I used to be, but I would never want to be like her, not in a million years. Today I am so much stronger and smarter than that girl, because of what God did. Because it was when I was all alone, crying by myself in a strange place with no one, nothing left to cling to - that I heard that steady promise.
"I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU, NOR FORSAKE YOU"
At that moment I knew that no matter what happened, however down I was, I would never be alone. The whole world could be against me, I could lose everything, and still He would never leave me or forsake me.
And I want to live my life under the shadow of that truth. Not to chafe under the guilty compulsion to appear spiritual. I want to trust that my God will provide for me, as He always has, without feeling like it's my personal duty to worry about every worse-case scenario. I want to be free to think in terms of eternity, not just according to my weekly budget. I want to do the job of mother and wife without feeling defined by those jobs. In short, I want something deeper.
Since one of my secret desires (becoming a mother) was fulfilled after writing about it here, I figure it can't hurt to just say it. I want to get to the next level. I want to be mature and complete, lacking nothing. I want the confidence that that girl had, but a wise confidence. I want to give more than I take from the world. I want to be prepared for the worst, but hopeful for the best at the same time. Most of all, I want to hop up out of this rut and be positive for once.
One hundred posts from now, I want to see a change.
Friday, January 1, 2010
In 2009 I ...
Kicked off the new year in the Bahamas
Went ice skating (really just held onto Greg and skidded around the edge of the rink once)
Misread a pregnancy test
Went miniature golfing in the dark
Slept in 7 states
Ate the "Hungry Man" breakfast at Perkins
Threw up the "Hungry Man" breakfast in the Perkins parking lot
Lost 15 pounds
Gained 15 pounds
Named someone
Got the worst grades I've ever gotten (two C+'s)
Wrote footnotes
Won country music concert tickets on the radio
Moved twice (once from Newark to my parents', once from my parents' to our little house)
Passed the MPRE
Dressed like a kangaroo
Had surgery for the first time
Felt like sleeping for 6 hours was refreshing
Got a new camera (and actually used it)
Decided to stay home for the year after graduation
Did most of my Christmas shopping before Halloween
Breastfed
Found a new church
Finished a comment for my journal
Went ice skating (really just held onto Greg and skidded around the edge of the rink once)
Misread a pregnancy test
Went miniature golfing in the dark
Slept in 7 states
Ate the "Hungry Man" breakfast at Perkins
Threw up the "Hungry Man" breakfast in the Perkins parking lot
Lost 15 pounds
Gained 15 pounds
Named someone
Got the worst grades I've ever gotten (two C+'s)
Wrote footnotes
Won country music concert tickets on the radio
Moved twice (once from Newark to my parents', once from my parents' to our little house)
Passed the MPRE
Dressed like a kangaroo
Had surgery for the first time
Felt like sleeping for 6 hours was refreshing
Got a new camera (and actually used it)
Decided to stay home for the year after graduation
Did most of my Christmas shopping before Halloween
Breastfed
Found a new church
Finished a comment for my journal
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)