Life is...

I trust God, I do. He has been with me through thick and thin, in tough times and in joyful times. Ultimately, deep down, I know that He knows what He's doing and that His plans are to help us and not to hurt us. But sometimes it's hard to see the pattern in the seemingly random hurts of our lives.

My sister called me yesterday. She had just gotten back from the doctor's office. The baby she had tried for for over a year, the baby she had religiously taken pre-natal vitamins for, the baby that she tracked her ovulation for for months and months for, the baby that she had endured the side-effects of Clomid for, the baby that she canceled her vacation to the Dominican Republic for, the baby that she rejoiced over discovering just weeks ago.... wasn't there.

Just an empty sack she said. A blighted ovum. The ultrasound showed a placenta but no baby. I know things could be worse. I know this isn't quite as bad as a real miscarriage, I realize that she is fortunate to know that she can get pregnant, when so many women can't.

But I can't help but thinking that it just isn't fair. If you know my sister, you know how strong she is, how hard-working, how she always chooses to do the right thing, even when it's hard, even when she's tired. If you know her you've probably seen her compassion for others, not just in the things she does, but in her attitude, how she accepts and forgives. You would know about her loyalty, and how she is so passionate about what she believes. She is not jealous when someone has what she doesn't. Not even what they have what she wants the most. When I look at my sister, I don't feel competitive, I feel relieved. Relieved because I know there is no way I could compete.

I didn't feel like I had to prove anything growing up, because Sarah proved it all. I didn't go to medical school, because there was no way I would graduate in the top five of my class, and if she'd already done it, why should I bother? She's worked hard at her job for almost a decade, paying bills for the family, taking care of the family house, helping me when she could, giving her time and money to her church and to those in need. I on the other hand have been a student for years, slacking off, missing class, working at my little part-time jobs and complaining the whole time.

When it was time for her to settle down, she went on a first date with every eligible Christian guy in the United States. But there was never a fit. It wasn't until after years of heartbreak and wasting her time with these losers that she finally met her wonderful husband. The story is almost the opposite of my carefree college love story. I always say that my meeting Greg was like walking into a casino and putting a quarter into a slot machine, and winning the jackpot. There was no work, there was no long-term heartbreak. Just a short break-up for 6 months that ultimately helped us decide to get married.

And now... her struggle to get pregnant does not surprise me. In some ways she seems designed to struggle. She is so determined to achieve, to overcome. Every negative pregnancy test is a failure to her. And this obstacle is different. It's not a grade to earn or a position to achieve. We have no control over who lives, what life is started. Of all the things in the world, it's the most random, the most unpredictable. Think of all those women going to clinics, paying for birth control, all the crack-addicted prostitutes, all the little teenagers, all the third-world women who can't afford birth control. And babies, babies, unwanted babies. But no baby for Sarah.

As I change Henry today, as I feed him and as I watch him do new things, I will be grateful. I will thank God for blessing me with him. I will thank Him for how easy it's been, how easy it's all been. But I will also question Him. I will look inside and ask for more faith. Because sometimes it feels like life is just not fair.

Note: If you are somehow reading this blog and know me, and you didn't know that my sister was even pregnant, please don't go consoling her and making her think that the whole world knows about it. She told very few people and wouldn't want anyone else to know. In other worlds I would be in trouble for posting this, but I'm doing so because the only people who read my blog already know about it (so I hope).